Reason for passion of life

Went for a little walk in new Ang Mo Kio hub, a interchange-business hub, similar or second to Toa Payoh interchange. When I wandered in Breadtalk I suddenly saw a familiar face. Ya, the manager. How come he's here? I thought he should be in Jurong Point's branch.

I didn't know him at all actually, neither do he know me. It was just a minor incident that led me remembered him. That was one early morning, when I still in transition period of IA life, I went to search for breakfast in JP, hoping that Breadtalk had opened. The shop wasn't opened, and I stopped to look inside from far since it was lighted on. He was busy dazzling around to arrange breads. A worker had dropped a bread and he immediated turned red and scolded her very badly. I didn't make any bad assumption of him but instead I was wondering why did he need to be so nervous and pacey?

This time I bought 2 breads, and he was in the counter there to put it into plastic bags. With thunderous speed, he put in the first. With the same speed, he dropped the second. And he was quick to say to me: I would get another one for you. Well, that's fine. Doesn't really matter to me. But it sparked off my thoughts. Why do he need to be so nervous? From my one-sided assumption, he's too eager to manage his shops in perfect arrangement, perfect flow, and leave customer a good image. I have to say that he's indeed a very seroius worker. But is he a good manager? If I linked the two incidents together, it may not suggest so. I think he's too engrossed into manage "things" instead of "humans". Everyone make errors. It would leave me a very good image if he turn humoureous when he dropped the bread, if he kindly remind his worker not to make silly mistake.

Since Breadtalk is not opened so early, now I usually would buy a bun in 24 hours shop near AMK interchange for breakfast. The two female workers are fine, but I had never see them smile when they are selling breakfast. They look serious in getting their maximum sales of breakfast. I could understand it's hard to deal with flowing mass demand, but... Just on the opposite site, there are always 3 person who give away the free "my-paper", and one of them always wear on smiley face. Opposite. Just opposite. It's true everyone has to deal with his/her own stiffing constraints, but it could be done in different ways. It's not to say that I don't like the bun seller, but if there is another shop just besides, employ the happy distributor and selling the same thing, I wouldn't never return back to the original one to buy. Not even pity would drive me to do so. For service sectors, perhaps the most precious value addition is the smile and happiness, which is costless but also priceless.

Perhaps I am too cruel, because I myself feel tired easily too, and always find myself in the struggle of generating happiness. The passion for life is not necessarily provided by happiness, for different people they have different reasons. It could be anger, hatred, frustration, ego, arrogance, greed, pride, competition and blah blah blah. As long as it drives you to live, it counts.

So why do I live for? Perhaps I live to keep my eyes open, as wide as I can, as clear as I can.

Blue, Shock & Fear

Blue is Monday's Blue. Even I slept for about 8 hours, which is already 1 hour + more than daily sleeping hours, I still didn't feel refrehsed at Monday. I was like just dragging my body to company at the morning, and dragging it back at the evening...snoozing and swinging my head numerous times in the company. I wasn't working. You could well argue that if your have high spirit, this is just excuse. But certainly I could feel the Monday's Blue symptom. It wasn't that I didn't try to wake myself up but the spirit was well clouded by tiredness, physically and mentally.

 

      Shock is Electric's Shock. This time is seriously the worst case - shocked by stupid high voltage 4.4kV EFO box. Assume my finger skin's resistance is really about 1M Ohm which is measured using dmm, then there was about 4.4mA current grounded through me. Darn! The feeling of letting current run through heart wasn't good to be experienced at ALL! My hand simply just shocked off the connection and my heart was "peaceful" for 1 second. Darn! My carelessness has once again emerged and become my hardest enemy to fight against. I couldn't prevent all the previous lighter shocks (ESD shocks, sparks shocks, explodes of big capacitors) which weren't really my faults, but this time I only have myself to be blamed for. Why was I too engrossed to out figure what's wrong with the box after I changed some setting, WITHOUT TURNING THE POWER OFF? The same over-concentration had caused me one laptop before, and now I allow it to happened again. Sigh! Darn! No next time! My supervisor said it just take few mA to kill, and I am still so mindless? (I had checked that few mA may not enough to kill, but enough to cause pain) Darn! Helpless cunt...

 

      Fear is Inferiority's Fear. Time and again my heart has been troubled by this same quesiton: am I able to take on electronics / IC design? Facing all the top scholars and given my special extra workload of 3rd year subjects, I will be fighting the utmost challenge in my u-life. I have nothing against top guns, I know some of them as my friends and I really respect their talents, hardwork or whatever; but to only compete to them is another question. I know with passion and hardworking, nothing is impossible. But I for certain is not passionate enough to confirm that this is my final interest, and I will not go all out to submerge myself in sea of books, because of my own characteristics. I am just too greedy, wish to live in such a way that I am still able to take care of other things. I would feel myself too pity if I really need to be forced to focus on one thing. Ya, the so-called conventional wisdom tells you that nothing could be achieved without focus and sacrifice, but I am just too reluctant to follow it. I am a child that never grow up, adamant and persistent as ever. Ya, it's true fear and also true egoism. Will I turn the fear into surge of spirit before it overrun me? Time will tell.

 

       Besides these, today is a precious day that I could finally see both sun rise and sun set of a day after a long period. And, it's also Chak Hon's birthday. Enthusiasticsally yet strugglingly, patiently yet tiresome, I had pass a day.

Fairness

A word just struck my mind, "Fairness". I suddenly realized how important this essense is to everyone, that it links with the inner spirit of everyone. The presence or the lack of it would trigger perhaps the strongest emotion from anyone, be it in any relationship between humans: parents-childs, teachers-students, employers-employee, bilateral friendship or love. Perhaps in all the spiritual needs, fairness is the most longed for. In any circumstances, what you would want is a fair chance to play your part, to prove yourselves.

It's fairness that serves as the ultimate factor who drives Chinese malaysians to convert to Singaporeans, it's fairness that a company would eventually keep or lost its employees, it's fairness that explode many person's hatred towards US. The lack of fairness would create the non-diminshing, non-degradable hatred that a person would carry for the rest of his/her life.

Fate or luck is unfair, because it's born of randomness. Though everyone have to accept this "injustice", it's just dubious that anyone could proclaim that himself/herself don't need fairness in other aspects.

But then here comes the paradox. A person who always demands for fairness most probably would eventually turn into a person that could only see his/her fairness, ignoring others' need.

Fairness is true fairness if there is a balanced give of it to others and take of it from others. Be it, or unfair at all.

But, how fair can a person be? The world is never perfectly balanced, neither is life.

Decision of Life

I had decided to quit blogging not long ago. I wish I won't come back here forever. For all the reasons that lead me to stop writing blog, the most of it is because I believe I should start to value happiness more the sadness. And I believe myself to be able to do so, without this virtual dumping ground of sadness. But today is just one of the day that I couldn't sleep because I have too many decisions to be make, too many doubts need to be cleared. There is no other way better than using my hands and words to calm myself down and think logically.

Which final year specialization should I go? Electronics or IC design? Why is there a need for this separation since these two closely-related options are only different in one subject? Why they want to seperate FYP projects according to option? I am really puzzled. How am I going to determine I am interested more in understanding the internal design, or in designing the outer architecture using internal stuff? How do I know which part am I more talented in before I really go into it?

But no matter what would be my final choice, I am going to take a difficult path. The fact that most of the top international scholars cram into these two specializations do worry me a lot. Am I able to survive? Though I am a scholar, I don't really live up to expectation. I am not deanlist, I don't get Ureka, my theoritical understanding power is not that high, my practical skills are like shit, and I am not a very quick learner in EEE. I could already imagine the ultimate pressure for being fell behind the lectures, not doing well in CAs, and the cumulating stress developed by the competitive environment. Ya, I am so pessimistic. Mentality wise I am already a loser even before the battle starts. I can comfort myself that once I survive, I could be among the fittest...but the true fear still prevails.

Dr.Goh said you have to accept yourselves, your own level if you had tried your best. It's true. But am I able to accept it? It goes down to who I am eventually. I had a thought to ask Dr.Goh about her FYP projects, but since I know that she was grabbed by some PRC scholars I dare not to ask already. I know I am complex. I was thinking that if I am so good then perhaps she would have try to hint me about FYP projects. What a super ego and self-centred student that hope the prof would do this? What's wrong with me to just ask for projects? I am strangely adamant. Though she's the only good prof I know, I don't really like to ask her for help. Perhaps I am hoping to get a super tough environment, and prove myself there. I know one day I will fall because I am too unwilling to seek for others' help on big occasions.

But straight after this, I have to decide what should I do after graduation? What do I want to achieve? What's my life goal? For the 23 years that I had lived, I had never make a big decision logically or rationally. I learnt chinese chess just because my father taught me and I wanted to play with him. I joined debate team just because soul mates think I was more than capable to succeed in it. I come to NTU just because I got scholarship. I applied scholarship just because I followed my friends to submit forms. I came to Singapore earlier just because Ah Goh wanted to come here earlier to see the environment. I went INSTEP exchange just because Kok Heng felt very enthusiastic to go and had succeded to influece me. For many things in life, I am rather passive and not informative. Not that I need to rely on others to make decision, I still make every decision on my own and I will bear responsibility for my decision, but I won't take any initiative to change my life. If it comes then let it be, if it don't then it's ok since I am not awared of it.

But now I have to force myself to answer this question: for what reason am I living on this planet? If I am going to live for myself, not for others, what actually do I want to achieve? For a very long period I didn't really think it's important for me to consider myself. I values any relationship with others, but I don't really values myself that much.

I didn't go any way wrong along the route and I am actually in a quite good and bright situation, but sometimes I just feel I didn't had enough guidance (not rules) when I was growing up. I was trained to hide my feelings because parents were too busy with business and somehow the age gap of 5 years between me and elder sister was a bit big. I was a very good and hardworking student in school, because I know if I get into troubles, my parents won't have the time to tackle it. It would be a additional burden for them who were already too busy. Whenever I missed a school bus, I wouldn't dare to call to office to ask for transport, I walked home. Giving them more trouble would equals to bring myself problem as well. I have been used to rely only on myself along the long route of studies, which was lonely. I couldn't afford to fail any subject, because it would mean dead end quarrel for my parents, and my parents with sister. But even I got good results or good achievements, I seldom receive compliments or recognition. They were too busy. My eager to prove to them that I was very capable usually went unnoticed. Ya they helped me hang the certificates on the wall, but they didn't really remember it. One time when my mother praised my nephew who was standard 5 for being able to cook rice, I straight away replied didn't you know that I even know how to cook simple dishes when I was in standard 5? Haha, unnoticed...again.
And well, have to laugh again.

They do love me very much, they provided me with many materials and freedom that I need; but I just lack the spiritual soil to grow a strong mentality - lack of courage and initiative to change my life. I am tolerant enough to endure what fates bring to me but I am not courageous enough to challenges uncertainty. I wouldn't like to shape myself to be pity when in fact I am not. Just want to be sincere and reflective to myself, more of my evil side. So now this's my problem, how am I going to do? Where's my target to drive me on? I just wish I could have a simple and happy life for the rest of my life...but how am I going to achieve that?

Worries aside, at this point of time, I am actually quite happy with what I have now. Though my not-informative weakness has once again led me into the wrong field in industrial attachment (Power electronics is not under electronics, it's under power), I must say I got very good colleagues, supervisors and working environment. It's rather enjoyable experience (ya, not really meaningful but enjoyable), as compared to the fear I had before entering the company. And because of my luck (rather than capabilities) I had helped my supervisor to obtain few testing results that were long needed before. Not a bad situation. I must feel grateful to this luck.

And my watch, given by my sister, which the digital clock has stopped for few months, started to move again out of a sudden. Perhaps electronics is as unpredictable as human. It just gives you surprise. And this is one of the biggest surprise in my life. Because no matter how, I values this watch, which is given my sister.

Today is 21st of March, and I am imsonia-ing. Today is also birthday of my best friend - ah goh. But too bad he was too smart to sms me that please don't celebrate for him as he is too busy. Strategically he win. Though I feel a bit sorry to see friend's birthday is not celebrated, but I just have to accept what he needs. Different people, comes from different families with different growing background, have different thoughts and personality. Anyway, Happy 23th birthday to you!