Decision of Life

I had decided to quit blogging not long ago. I wish I won't come back here forever. For all the reasons that lead me to stop writing blog, the most of it is because I believe I should start to value happiness more the sadness. And I believe myself to be able to do so, without this virtual dumping ground of sadness. But today is just one of the day that I couldn't sleep because I have too many decisions to be make, too many doubts need to be cleared. There is no other way better than using my hands and words to calm myself down and think logically.

Which final year specialization should I go? Electronics or IC design? Why is there a need for this separation since these two closely-related options are only different in one subject? Why they want to seperate FYP projects according to option? I am really puzzled. How am I going to determine I am interested more in understanding the internal design, or in designing the outer architecture using internal stuff? How do I know which part am I more talented in before I really go into it?

But no matter what would be my final choice, I am going to take a difficult path. The fact that most of the top international scholars cram into these two specializations do worry me a lot. Am I able to survive? Though I am a scholar, I don't really live up to expectation. I am not deanlist, I don't get Ureka, my theoritical understanding power is not that high, my practical skills are like shit, and I am not a very quick learner in EEE. I could already imagine the ultimate pressure for being fell behind the lectures, not doing well in CAs, and the cumulating stress developed by the competitive environment. Ya, I am so pessimistic. Mentality wise I am already a loser even before the battle starts. I can comfort myself that once I survive, I could be among the fittest...but the true fear still prevails.

Dr.Goh said you have to accept yourselves, your own level if you had tried your best. It's true. But am I able to accept it? It goes down to who I am eventually. I had a thought to ask Dr.Goh about her FYP projects, but since I know that she was grabbed by some PRC scholars I dare not to ask already. I know I am complex. I was thinking that if I am so good then perhaps she would have try to hint me about FYP projects. What a super ego and self-centred student that hope the prof would do this? What's wrong with me to just ask for projects? I am strangely adamant. Though she's the only good prof I know, I don't really like to ask her for help. Perhaps I am hoping to get a super tough environment, and prove myself there. I know one day I will fall because I am too unwilling to seek for others' help on big occasions.

But straight after this, I have to decide what should I do after graduation? What do I want to achieve? What's my life goal? For the 23 years that I had lived, I had never make a big decision logically or rationally. I learnt chinese chess just because my father taught me and I wanted to play with him. I joined debate team just because soul mates think I was more than capable to succeed in it. I come to NTU just because I got scholarship. I applied scholarship just because I followed my friends to submit forms. I came to Singapore earlier just because Ah Goh wanted to come here earlier to see the environment. I went INSTEP exchange just because Kok Heng felt very enthusiastic to go and had succeded to influece me. For many things in life, I am rather passive and not informative. Not that I need to rely on others to make decision, I still make every decision on my own and I will bear responsibility for my decision, but I won't take any initiative to change my life. If it comes then let it be, if it don't then it's ok since I am not awared of it.

But now I have to force myself to answer this question: for what reason am I living on this planet? If I am going to live for myself, not for others, what actually do I want to achieve? For a very long period I didn't really think it's important for me to consider myself. I values any relationship with others, but I don't really values myself that much.

I didn't go any way wrong along the route and I am actually in a quite good and bright situation, but sometimes I just feel I didn't had enough guidance (not rules) when I was growing up. I was trained to hide my feelings because parents were too busy with business and somehow the age gap of 5 years between me and elder sister was a bit big. I was a very good and hardworking student in school, because I know if I get into troubles, my parents won't have the time to tackle it. It would be a additional burden for them who were already too busy. Whenever I missed a school bus, I wouldn't dare to call to office to ask for transport, I walked home. Giving them more trouble would equals to bring myself problem as well. I have been used to rely only on myself along the long route of studies, which was lonely. I couldn't afford to fail any subject, because it would mean dead end quarrel for my parents, and my parents with sister. But even I got good results or good achievements, I seldom receive compliments or recognition. They were too busy. My eager to prove to them that I was very capable usually went unnoticed. Ya they helped me hang the certificates on the wall, but they didn't really remember it. One time when my mother praised my nephew who was standard 5 for being able to cook rice, I straight away replied didn't you know that I even know how to cook simple dishes when I was in standard 5? Haha, unnoticed...again.
And well, have to laugh again.

They do love me very much, they provided me with many materials and freedom that I need; but I just lack the spiritual soil to grow a strong mentality - lack of courage and initiative to change my life. I am tolerant enough to endure what fates bring to me but I am not courageous enough to challenges uncertainty. I wouldn't like to shape myself to be pity when in fact I am not. Just want to be sincere and reflective to myself, more of my evil side. So now this's my problem, how am I going to do? Where's my target to drive me on? I just wish I could have a simple and happy life for the rest of my life...but how am I going to achieve that?

Worries aside, at this point of time, I am actually quite happy with what I have now. Though my not-informative weakness has once again led me into the wrong field in industrial attachment (Power electronics is not under electronics, it's under power), I must say I got very good colleagues, supervisors and working environment. It's rather enjoyable experience (ya, not really meaningful but enjoyable), as compared to the fear I had before entering the company. And because of my luck (rather than capabilities) I had helped my supervisor to obtain few testing results that were long needed before. Not a bad situation. I must feel grateful to this luck.

And my watch, given by my sister, which the digital clock has stopped for few months, started to move again out of a sudden. Perhaps electronics is as unpredictable as human. It just gives you surprise. And this is one of the biggest surprise in my life. Because no matter how, I values this watch, which is given my sister.

Today is 21st of March, and I am imsonia-ing. Today is also birthday of my best friend - ah goh. But too bad he was too smart to sms me that please don't celebrate for him as he is too busy. Strategically he win. Though I feel a bit sorry to see friend's birthday is not celebrated, but I just have to accept what he needs. Different people, comes from different families with different growing background, have different thoughts and personality. Anyway, Happy 23th birthday to you!