Blue, Shock & Fear

Blue is Monday's Blue. Even I slept for about 8 hours, which is already 1 hour + more than daily sleeping hours, I still didn't feel refrehsed at Monday. I was like just dragging my body to company at the morning, and dragging it back at the evening...snoozing and swinging my head numerous times in the company. I wasn't working. You could well argue that if your have high spirit, this is just excuse. But certainly I could feel the Monday's Blue symptom. It wasn't that I didn't try to wake myself up but the spirit was well clouded by tiredness, physically and mentally.

 

      Shock is Electric's Shock. This time is seriously the worst case - shocked by stupid high voltage 4.4kV EFO box. Assume my finger skin's resistance is really about 1M Ohm which is measured using dmm, then there was about 4.4mA current grounded through me. Darn! The feeling of letting current run through heart wasn't good to be experienced at ALL! My hand simply just shocked off the connection and my heart was "peaceful" for 1 second. Darn! My carelessness has once again emerged and become my hardest enemy to fight against. I couldn't prevent all the previous lighter shocks (ESD shocks, sparks shocks, explodes of big capacitors) which weren't really my faults, but this time I only have myself to be blamed for. Why was I too engrossed to out figure what's wrong with the box after I changed some setting, WITHOUT TURNING THE POWER OFF? The same over-concentration had caused me one laptop before, and now I allow it to happened again. Sigh! Darn! No next time! My supervisor said it just take few mA to kill, and I am still so mindless? (I had checked that few mA may not enough to kill, but enough to cause pain) Darn! Helpless cunt...

 

      Fear is Inferiority's Fear. Time and again my heart has been troubled by this same quesiton: am I able to take on electronics / IC design? Facing all the top scholars and given my special extra workload of 3rd year subjects, I will be fighting the utmost challenge in my u-life. I have nothing against top guns, I know some of them as my friends and I really respect their talents, hardwork or whatever; but to only compete to them is another question. I know with passion and hardworking, nothing is impossible. But I for certain is not passionate enough to confirm that this is my final interest, and I will not go all out to submerge myself in sea of books, because of my own characteristics. I am just too greedy, wish to live in such a way that I am still able to take care of other things. I would feel myself too pity if I really need to be forced to focus on one thing. Ya, the so-called conventional wisdom tells you that nothing could be achieved without focus and sacrifice, but I am just too reluctant to follow it. I am a child that never grow up, adamant and persistent as ever. Ya, it's true fear and also true egoism. Will I turn the fear into surge of spirit before it overrun me? Time will tell.

 

       Besides these, today is a precious day that I could finally see both sun rise and sun set of a day after a long period. And, it's also Chak Hon's birthday. Enthusiasticsally yet strugglingly, patiently yet tiresome, I had pass a day.