Good Friday, Good Holiday

Tiredness & Sleep

I thought I am actually getting on the right track of completely used to working life, with time adjusted to be most productive in all areas. Sleep at about 12.00am, alarm ring at 6.30am and off, wake up at 6.40am, take bus, sleep in mrt, and finally reach company in the range of 5-15 minutes late. Surely it's not enough sleep for a person who need at least 8 hours of sleeping time. Though physically tired but mentally still fresh to do work. Just too bad last Friday I fell asleep on the chair in front of the computer while I was reading some application notes. And my nice team leader told me on Monday: Hey! Your boss caught you sleeping during work...Are you ok? Recently what makes you feel that tired? TERRIFIED. Fear overrun me. It was just like found guilty of doing something bad which you don't really realize. How come I don't know that he know I fell asleep? Finally I have to try to tackle the circuit design given by big boss, which I was felt too hard and lazy to do before. If not I will die, I know that. Then I put in some effort, went to discuss with him and said sorry. The truth is that he didn't see that, other manager complained about me. Hoo....WORST SCENARIO! No wonder he didn't wake me up and scold me. But the imej I left in his mind couldn't be worst. And I felt I have also betrayed the good will of my nice team leader, by putitng him into a position of not taking good care of me and giving me appropriate work. Just worst repay he could get for being nice to me. I start to feel that I would have a tougher environment and higher pressure to live and breathe.

FYP

After all the past worries, finally I got a fyp project and settled down. Will be working on dc-dc converter with cher huat together, and eddie also under the same prof. I would expect a very tough life ahead but hope we can get through it succesfully and colorfully. I don't really have a particular interest in that project. I feel the same for all analog signal design project. As long as I could learn a lot of useful things out of it, I would be satisfied because it proves that I would have overcame fear of incompetence and lack of ability. Sometimes I don't really understand where my grades come from, because only through recent practical exposures I REALIZE what is EE. V, I, R, C are there to let you control to achieve what you want. V is potential difference --> ground have to be always connected, Signal = ?, Noise = ?, finally know how to use oscilloscope, dmm; finally start to believe transistor's existence and etc. I think I am very slow to REALIZE thigns especially in learning, like I only REALIZE the real existence of trigonometri in F5 although sin-cos was taught in F3, REALIZE real existence of matrix and integration = sum of small parts last year when I was using MATLAB although it were long taught in Maths since secondary high school. I understand thing just for the sake of understanding, so am I actually smart or dumb?

Work & Future

Guess all of us that are about this age has already started to imagine what would be their future live as the nostalgic university life is going to end soon. 1 years+ of busy work ahead is no longer than short period of travels. It's time to dig out my heart and see what words are stored inside. INTEREST? WORK? MONEY? The boundaries between each are blurring and couldn't be differentiated as clearly as I wish. Crystal clear live objective is somewhere outside the known charts. I had a very long and happy conversation with my colleague, a middle-aged Sarawak guy who is currently PR. He went through many more hurdles than I had, and we had discussed on some issues. He shared his experiences to me. When you were first graduated you would think that field is of your zeal, you would definitely devote your energy and spirits into it tirelessly. And you persisted for few years. After that things started to change. What's still keep you to work eventually would only be one thing: MONEY $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. Though I tried to argue that even you may lost your ultimate interest, you couldn't hate that work. I don't believe one could continue doing something that he/she actually hates it, just like one couldn't live with someone that he/she hates to live with, not even one second. And he agreed.

Had he lost his soul by condemning himself to have only money in his eyes like those figures that are portrayed in comics? Certainly no. He didn't have such a thought before he graduated. He went through more stages of life and he changed. It has led me to rush into such conclusion: it's not normal for a person who haven't graduated only emphasizes on $$, while it's not normal for a person after so many years of life don't emphasize on $$. Before I reach that stage, I wouldn't be certain that I will still be same as now. No way I could decide. Ya, it's true that from now on we should do everything by following our heart. But human is just so complex and easy to change. So it boils down to the ultimate basic question: Is what you choose now really of your interest? How sure are you? By repeating this question and forcing myself to answer would drive myself mad, hence I rather choose not to decide. No point to decide if I know there's not possible to decide, at this point of time. By reading the newspapers, you could find so many life stories of persons finally figure out what he/she want, after so years of life, after exposures to different areas, after successfully at least make livings independently. What I could do is to continuously search and observe.

Money

When you have money your hand starts to feel itchy, struggling to hold it and wish to persuade your heart to buy "utility" for yourself. Materialistic - Consumerism - Present modern world. I felt so strange that, I starts to deviant away from my normal self: from being a super stingy person (to buy things for myself) to someone who no longer really cares about spending. Because I am on IA and earning some money. I know I am heading into a dead end and I should stop and pull myself back. But that just explains how strong is the influence of real business world and how true is the greed of inner heart. Sometimes I feel lost in between holding and spending $$ on something. What's the true utility that I had bought? Do I purposely make myself feel blue and go buy something to cheat myself some happiness? And of the existing cheating and "strategy-driven" business environment, what thing you get is true? Ribena without Vitamin C, Haagen-Dazs== America company (smart foreign branding or foreign fancy psychological trap?), how many hard facts that I would still need to swallow to feel the virtualness of this world? Would you rather be ignorant but innocently happy, or informative but struggles to happy?

And perhaps, of the most disastrous thing what a man could do with $$ --> Buy sexual pleasure. I went with friends to eat chilli crabs in Geylang, where we passed by the red-light zone. It has been my second time to Geylang since 1st year FOC, and it's my second time to see prostitutes. I am not a hypocrite to say I am as pure as Monk and have a "clean" harddisk. But if sex is something pleasant in life to be enjoyed, I don't see a point of going for prostitute. The environment is so disgusting and full of dark elements: cigarettes, alcohols, dirtyness, underground... What are you paying? It's like pay to get yourself raped. Wonderfully stupid. But am I too innocent or what? Maybe only few % of guy of my age go, but certainly much much higher % of guy of middle-aged or old man go... And why? Is that really that enjoyable...I don't see the point. Really.

Emotion

Adults always wish to go back to their worryless childhood time, but all innocent childs grow up to adults with full range of human emotions. Is that because we started to think things in more perspectives? Is that because we get loaded with different tasks and relationships? Is that because we starts to feel what real life is? A child would never know why an adult would change his mood just for something minor in his/her eyes, an adult know what, why and how but just couldn't control it. Ups and downs, everyday. Sometimes I tend to have more worries when I am surrounded by happiness, because I know by the time I lost it, I would feel lost also deep into the heart. Sometimes I tend to smile for small things when I am not in a good mood, because I know I need it to avoid collapse. Is this balancing fun? No idea.

Today is actually holiday. Should I say I write this because I want to or because I am bored and got nothing else better to do? Perhaps writing too much would makes myself even more complex. To avoid being eaten up by pride, I shall need to read on more things to counter balance it. Why can't life be a bit more simpler? Yawn~