虚？实？（3）

或许都市里繁忙的生活节奏会让人觉得内心空虚，但这一些空虚与移民因为异地冲击和乡愁亲思造成的空虚比较起来，还是小巫见大巫。现在在全球各大城市，尤其是用劳力换取金钱的外劳，内心的空虚和苦闷是最深的。一来地位不太受尊重，与当地社会格格不入；二来未来充满变数，缺乏保障和安全感；三来和自己熟悉的文化、家庭、朋友相隔，情绪难以抒发。

这些人大部分都没打算会在工作当地定居，都想涛够金后回乡建筑一个美好的天伦。如果不幸走不了，就只好在当地和同乡组成一个互助的小社群，尽量拓展生存空间。如果有幸的他们的后代仍继续在这生存，作为少数民族的它们通常免不了会遭受同化的命运。

移民生活的沟沟坎坎非我所能体会，我只是在这假设推论。而我要假设推论的原因很简单，因为我是移民的后代—第三代。其实这个身份没有什么好宣扬的，但既然历史和事实是如此何妨直说。

我是马来西亚的华人（Malaysian Chinese），一个最准确的定义，不多也不少。乍看之下，似乎马来西亚代表国家、国籍，华人代表民族；所以我是一个国家认同和民族认同不和谐的人。但在这个牵涉到族群国家的复杂课题下，我选择把一般的国家和民族的概念混搅来说明。启发我的是日前阅读到一篇关于南韩学家写的书的书评。那本书是通过分析统一的德国来探讨南北韩统一的可能和问题。书中谈到由于意识形态的巨大差距，东西德的统一并没有带来预期中乌托邦式的幸福和谐，反而引发一系列复杂的社会问题，导致同是一个民族的后代互相埋怨。更有甚者，有些人干脆以西德人或东德人自居。从这作者得出结论，现在社会悬殊相差正十几倍的南北韩根本没有统一的社会基础。

所以，单纯从有点缥缈的民族概念来思考国家的问题并不可行。马来西亚的马来人和印尼的马来人在今日已失去了组成马来人国家的历史条件，马来西亚的华人和印度人也没有去祖辈的国家的可能。马来西亚自从一开始组成就是一个多元的社会，这一个事实每一个马来西亚人都懂，但其背后的含义呢？按照这样的逻辑推下去，其实我们可以自己另辟一个“民族”的概念，所谓的马来西亚“民族”，就是生于斯，长于斯，在传承各自先辈的文化同时也在互相交流的特殊一族。视野宽阔是我们的特点，兼容并蓄是我们的文化，包容和谐是我们的社会。我相信在这样的社会条件下产生这样的“特色民族”并非天方夜谭。

因此，当“马来西亚”和“华人”这两个概念合起来之后，其外延和内涵都会发生改变，而不仅仅是两个概念的交接处。也因为这个特殊的社会条件，仅仅用地方（马来西亚）或种族（华人）来形容自己是不足够，也反映不出真实情况。就正如马来西亚的粤语有香港人听不懂的looi（duit）、ga ga jau jau ，福建话有台湾人听不懂的suka，马来语有印尼人听不懂的angpau（红包），随着不同文化的交流，我们自身的文化也会产生不同程度的差别。但由于宗教的差异和异族通婚的不太可能，我们依然会保有各自祖辈的文化，而不会成为一个混血民族。

我自豪地宣称自己是“马来西亚的华人”，尽管我没有任何可以让我心安的现实依据。如果我宣称很满意自己处于的社会状况，那么我等于出卖了祖国的利益，视现今社会中的各种权力腐蚀、政治腐烂、贪污腐败、种族沙文、不平待遇和畸形变化为无形。一个人的力量很微小，但是我相信有一天我至少可以给社会带来少少正面的影响。

虚？实？（2）

或许在每个人的心中，自己的童年都是最纯朴、最快乐的。（对于我们这一代幸福的人而言）偶尔也总会感慨为什么人越大反而越不快乐？小时候什么烦恼都没有多轻松自在。于是多想让时光倒流回到去再一次感受童年。

可是在孩童心里想着的是什么呢？想着的是如何去做特别的动作吸引大人的注意，想着的是如何作弄周遭的事物，想着的是什么时候可以玩玩具。他们很快乐地玩乐，但他们的目的不是为了快乐，而是为了玩乐；尚处于懵懂的孩子们其实并不自觉自己是快乐的。可这一切看在已经操控着自己的成人的眼中，是多么的值得羡慕。

一个人可以通过幻想和重温自己童年的快乐给内心带来温暖，但不应该对自己的童年依依不舍。所谓“童年是快乐的”，更多的成分是由每次记忆的重温塑造的，而不是自个儿在孩童时期“真实”感受到的。要是一旦把它塑造成 “童年是人生里最快乐的阶段” 就糟了，在还没走完整个人生过程前，就断定不可能寻找到更好更大的快乐，不是在毁灭自己么？

童年里的迷懵的天真、无邪的灿烂，或许在人的记忆世界里真的有着不可磨灭的美好；但那应该成为我去追寻未来的美好的动源（不是唯一的，或许也不应该是主要的），而不是成为逃避现实的依赖。于是在想，到底所谓的迪斯尼乐园和动画，和日本的各种动漫画，到底是在帮助人们暂时逃避现实的残酷？还是在替人们制造依赖？有点偏了，有点远了……其实即便是我自己，也不会偏激地认为那些东西只是小孩子的玩意，我相信到八十岁那一天我还是会喜欢小叮当（因为那时我童年美好的回忆），但是我不会迷恋在其中，也不会让自己从中衍生现在不快乐的感慨。

觉得其实人是逃不了对自己的催眠的，只要我相信明天的我会比今天的我更快乐，我肯定会找寻到更快乐的自己的，对不？

虚？实？（1）

日前韩国老师在教数字和日期时提了提11月11日是빼빼로节（빼빼로是类似1字的巧克力棒，빼빼在韩语是干瘦的意思），并说对于这些如春笋般冒起的新节日感到有点难以适从。第一次听到的时候觉得还挺有趣的啊，毕竟巧克力棒的魅力非凡啊！

后来和韩国朋友聊天自以为有趣提起这个属于“他们”的节日时，遭到强烈的反应。这哪是什么节日嘛，不过是商家炒作的结果，而且还是从日本传过去的。原来还有胸罩节（11月8日- 把横卧的8放在11下）呢……至此我才懂这些不过是无聊的节日，都是商家宣传的手段。嗯，我记起了在日韩所谓的“白色情人节”也是70年代日本商家炒作的结果，但到现在已没有几个人懂这节日的由来。

在这个商业盛行泛滥的年代，所谓新起的节日都不过是虚无空洞的节日……背后值得让人纪念或思考的意义一点都没有。我才开始明白为什么他们的反应会如此强烈，因为商业气息太过浓郁的节日让人窒息。记得我刚到新加坡时，家人叮嘱我记得享受一下那里圣诞节的热闹；同样的，在我去香港之前，我也收到了同样的讯息。感受一下绚丽灯光、拥挤人潮的热闹，有什么不好呢？难得的佳节，轻松一下嘛……

可是，在和一些西方朋友谈话过后，我才开始感受圣诞节在他们心中带来的温馨：严冬时一家人聚集在温暖烛光的融洽和快乐。我没经历过严冬的冷酷，也不属于上帝，过什么圣诞节呢？无聊。沉浸在人潮中的狂欢不过是在享受佳节带来的轻松，而不是在欢庆这个节日。那些节日值得欢庆？属于自己原本文化的那些吧，因为只有在拥有那种文化背景才能和节日产生共鸣……其他的全都是“友族的佳节”，属于难得的假日。

所以，与其去欢庆那些不知所谓的节日，倒不如欢庆一下家人朋友的生日，抑或一些世界的重大节日，抑或对自己意义非凡的日期……至少有一点实际意义。

匆匆留笔

谁都懂这是一个资本主义的社会，商业主导一切；但其中变化之复杂和影响的深远没人能看透。如果神存在，神也未必看得透。科技、教育、媒体、文化、以至于政治等各种社会现象都与这基层建筑有关。资讯和知识空前泛滥，但仍不足以解释现今社会过于复杂的变化。不同学说在不同领域对社会各个层面的现象的揭示让人一次又一次地受启发和惊讶，但惊讶过后和一个清晰的总结的距离仍是那么遥远。我们掌握的“真理”和认知的“哲理“并没有比古人少，只是古时社会变化的缓慢足以让一个相对狭窄的事实或哲理被捧上不容被质疑的神殿。但正因为我们知道的越多，我们才懂不知道的更多。知无涯，即使用尽人类可以生存的期限都不能走到尽头，因为没有尽头。其实我们也不需要这尽头，在沿途不断增加的力量（知识即力量）足以让我们持续前进。

只是，这多多少少削薄了知识的实在感。没有一套理论可以放诸四海（任何情况）皆准，在任何阶段都对。到头来可能就是只要你相信的，对你而言就是真的。或许需要摆脱对“一切绝对”的依赖。

最近有很多很多新的想法要整理探讨，但碍于功课和考试的繁忙，只能抽闲匆匆留笔，做一些空洞的概述，实际的内容还需更多的精神酝酿。（原本想要在这篇文章表达的内容和写出来的东西一点关系都没有，真是失败……）

行走

走着走着，一直到意识到自己原来还在走……

停了下来，看了看过往的足印，一天一点的变化足以让自己对自己陌生。

视野的扩大模糊了焦点，角色的更新带来了冲击。笑了笑，我还是我-持续变化的我。

人生总是充满惊喜，做梦也虚构不到的片断偶尔会发生。

时间在飞逝，事情在变动，人生自然也在改变，记载过去的只有跨越时间的记忆。

青少年不会刻意去意识时间的存在，当他们意识到了，就肯定了身份的转换。

在成人的眼中，一秒一分一时一天一月一年的界限开始模糊，只有速度不变。

忙碌和清闲、紧张和轻松频密地交换，美好的时光瞬间成为美好的回忆。

于是又开始继续行走，一直到下一次又再意识到自己还在走……

念虑

教学后心情有点郁闷，搭地铁过站了，去到陌生的九龙城。随地探索只能带来短暂的焦点转移，淡淡愁雾始终笼罩不散。课堂上意料不到的彷徨不过是导火线，点燃了本就在心里堆积的火药。思绪多变的我控制不了杂乱的想法，过多的思想碰撞太耗神，拖垮了本就易累的我。

世界太大太广，社会太深太复杂，让我有点不胜其烦。为什么我需要对这么多事情进行思考？到底是被人影响的？还是以往自己催眠自己的结果？为什么我不可以简简单单地不动一根脑筋好像白痴一样生活？为什么我不可以让自己沉溺于一种事物中？做个疯狂读书的书虫，抑或疯狂打机的颓人，抑或随便找个物来玩玩到丧志？

是什么导致我不想去控制自己的思想往一个方向钻研，而是让它随物衍生，随机出发，随时漫游？为什么我总喜欢兼顾这么多东西？东不成，西不就，还要自以为豪；周身刀，没把利，是否最终会沦落为卖杂艺？

为什么我总是不断地弄醒自己，不给自己逃离的空间？难道我不向往迷离的虚幻空间么？为什么我的思想可以那么复杂？为什么我的情绪可以瞬间起伏？是因为我少了一个最终的目标？还是我害怕踏上无尽头的驿道？支撑我的到底是什么？还是我根本不需要一个支撑点？

写完了，崩溃了，希望明天起来后火药全灭，可以看见晨曦带来的希望。

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由内衍生的突如其来的风暴，吹偏了航船前进的方向。风暴还会继续来临，航船也将会一次又一次地被吹得摇摇欲坠，但如果船沉不了，累积的将会是智慧和沉着？在辽阔的海洋中漂流，坚强的脆弱和脆弱的坚强犹如船的两面帆在彼此平衡。在阳光的早晨，船还是得扬起帆，在前往未知的目的地的同时划出船侧两旁的小浪花。

---

有时在想，我是不是应该只写喜不写忧呢？不应该散播负面情绪吧……吓坏人。或许有一天，当冲动来了，我会把虚构空间上的我给删除掉。

Professor & Students

Though conflict solved, but this incident has stimulated some thoughts inside my mind that has nothing to do with the incident itself.

 

      Generally I think professor and student has different point of view due to different situation and objective. For a professor, their focus is about students' progress on only "THAT" subject; while for student, their focus is on their "university life" and "grades".

 

      I) Every professor urge students to buy textbook in order to excel in that subject. That's nothing wrong from that perspective. But students in general would find it's waste of money because they hardly find any time to "study" textbooks. 
  
      II) Every professor would like all students to attend class and tutorials so that they can been "taught" by them. That's reasonable if their teaching skills are good. But students in general would like to have their own freedom to make their choice. To attend lectures, or to watch lecture recording in room, or to study by themselves, or even don't study.

 

      III) Some professors would like to give numerous and demanding course works to "help" students to increase their understanding. I won't say they are evil-hearted but they are just a bit "ignorant". The course that they taught is not the sole course students are taking. Somemore besides studies, there are still many other commitments... A professor wouldn't hope that their students are only bookworm who only focus on their studies right? Though ironically, bookworms are among the groups that have the most chances to climb up to the position of professor.

 

      Though professors were students once but some of them forgot how they lived when they were students. It's normal since most of the adults forgot how they think and act when they were teenagers as well. But I will appreciate it if they can somehow recall their memories. I admire those professors who reveal their experiences. I like those professors that told students that they skipped classes before, or their professors were lousy and had terrible ascend.

 

      After all, university should be the place for self-decision making, learning to work in groups and compromising with others,  balancing of different life aspects but not purely following authotharian order. If your teaching skill s good and students find it useful, no student would like to skip the class even you want to chase them out. If your teaching skill is terrible, no student would like to stay even you force them to.

Fair play. Why must a student follows class? Personally speaking I am those kind of "bad" student who will skip class once necessary and won't feel guilty about that. It's my decision and I'm ready to pay for the price. What's wrong?

 

      The hardwork, stress and competition among Japanese & Koreans during high school to get into universtiy is well known. But guess what they do in university? Continue to be hardworking and live stressfully? Many of them chose another extreme: play around all the time. By the same token, many people who study really hard in university expect to have an easy life about graduation. Short period of sacrifice for long period of leisure huh? I can't see the logic behind. Life should always be difficult, but full of surprise and fun at the same time.

Conflicts solved?

Dear Choon Lim,

       The test is only 40 minutes. Basically, it is about the same as one question in the final examination. The topics covered in test 2 include
       1. circular convolution
       2. implementation of linear convolution by circular convolution
       3. DFT matrix
       4. Forward transform as dot product between basic vector and signal vector
       These are the topics that we covered in recent 3 weeks.

       The first time I taught random processes was almost twenty years ago. I started teaching DSP about ten years ago. I fully understand that both random processes and DSP are difficult. One professor equates DSP to quantum mechanics on the depth of the subjectc. On the other hand, they are the keystones of many other subjects like communications.
       The major difficulty is that they are abstract. Also, some time, students do not know why the subjects are important and so they lose 
motivation to learn.This difficulty is being tackled by using examples and relating the theory to objects in real life like archery, telephone lines and TV reception.

       Another problem is that a student will have great difficulty at the later part of the course if he/she does not have a good understanding of the concept taught at the begining. In fact, students will have problem if they do not have a good understanding of signal and systems or they have not taken erg2030.

       That is why I always stay behind after classes to answer students' questions. Also, Lawrence's revision should be useful. I heard good 
comments about his tutorials.
       For the last 5 years, my effort toward this course has never stopped and the effort is devoted to making this course easier to understand instead of making it more advanced.

       On the other hand, I need your cooporation. Talk to me after the lectures if you have problems. Some did and I am sure they are all happy and have their problems solved.

---

       It's weird as I was only focus on the quiz and didn't attack on him personally but he replied in so many lines to defend himselves. Well, it's good to enhances my understanding about his qualification and perseverance, and about the background of DSP. But I think he misunderstood some of my points and shifted away from the topic: quiz. Communication gap huh?

---

Dear Prof,

        Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your efforts in past years to try to make this subject easy to understand  and clear. Personally, I think your lecture notes are well-written and organized. However, I still feel that the scope of the tests should be defined clearer. Since there are two tests, i think it's good to separate one test for one major part of the course. (e.g. First quiz for random processes, second quiz for DSP) instead of stating "lecture notes covered up to what date...".

        I suppose the logic of revision of some of the students (like me) goes like this: In the first quiz, only definitons of random processes are tested. Means, variance, autocorrelation & autocovariance, 2-D joint density function & 2-D joint distribution function are not tested. Hence, we would expect some part of these come out in the exam, since it's included in "materials covered up to last lecture". If there are 20-30% of the quiz is allocated for these topics, I think all of us would have no complaint at all.

        And if the purpose of the test is to test "purely on" whether student have good understanding about DFT, convolution e.t.c, I think it's 
better to inform all of us that the scope is from DSP's part materials. Of course there are some students solved it happily during the exam because they have prepared for that part. But that doesn't justify that these quizzes are "fair" in my opinion. A better quiz would be either of wider scope or clearer scope. I understand students and professor have different point of view and interests, but I sincerely hope you can understand where our frustation comes from.

       Thank you very much.

Regards,
Choon Lim. 

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       I feel nothing after sending this email. I just want to convey my message clearly about the format of quiz and I wouldn't have expected any changes. But other requests from classmates had somehow finally changed something. There maybe another quiz for those who want to take it and prove themselves. Conflict solved? I think it is solved since both sides can accept the suggestion.  I think neither side were right nor wrong, because it's conflict of interests. But does this show the importance of voice out, communication & compromise? :)

Student's Response

 I guess most of the students share the same feeling as me... The quiz was poorly set.

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Dear Dr.Cham,

      I feel frustrated after finishing today's test2.
     

      - the scope of the test is not clear, i try to raise the question in newsgroup but no one answer.
      - the questions b,c are quite similar, but it already counts 60% of the test.
      - none of the tutorial cover the content of the test.
      - the examples in lecture notes are not sufficient.
      - the difficulty and format are too different with test1.

      I don't think it made a fair assessment on students' effort. Therefore, I suggest that this 20% test should be slightly adjusted to 10 - 
15%. Thankyou very much for your kind attention.

---

I sincerely agree with you that the tests are not a good way to evaluate 
students' abilities.

It's hard to get a good result no matter how much time you spend....

---

      Let it go. This course is just nothing.

      - Lect, tuto notes and ass solutions are posted late.
      - Quizzes are making fool of us, and never reflect students' efforts.
      - Assignments are so poorly designed that it hardly helps us to understand the most basic concepts, but to frustrate us and make us lose

        motivation of learning.
      - Newsgroup is left deserted. Students attend class just for the damned pop quizzes.
      - The professor is always making fun of us: "It is very easy, right?" He thinks these words can make us relaxed, or boost our

        motivation?! What the heck the mindset is that?!
      - The lecture makes no sense. It just makes the simplest things in the world extremely complicated to show off his knowledge, to build 

        up his happiness upon others' frustration. Professors just know how to do research: when they cannot search anything, they

        "re-search". They never learn the lesson and art of teaching.

       Let it go and the world is beautiful.

---

       I agree with the Quizzes are not the most effective way to evaulate our knowledge on this course after taking 2 tests.
       The marks of these two tests do not really reflect our ability.
       We may get high mark when we fulfil either conditions
       1)very very well-prepared
       2)very lucky
       3)always study the last chapter of the note for test

       I do not think we only learnt DFT or definition of random process only in 3410.This two quizzes really "天堂與地獄", really "random".
If we study hard autocorrelation these chapters in second quiz, we still fail in the test, but the material studyed is also the core part of the 
course.

 以上只是身為一個學生的小小見意，亦可當作course's  evaluation comment.

       Thanks for consideration.

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       Though some responses are biased & emotional, but I sense & share the same anger, despair about the test & the disgrace about the professor. Hence I left my comment as well:

 

Dear professor and tutors,

    I have something to say as well. I think quiz generally shouldn't be set like this. It shouldn't include only one topic but should include few topics in all previous lectures. If this "style" is going to be continued, it would only encourage student to spot topic (latest one) instead of revising most of the topics. This quiz is not reflecting the knowledge of students, nor strengthening the understanding of students. It is destroying the self-esteem of student and driving them into the fear of failing this subject.

    You could say that these are just irrational responses from a despair student, and I admit I did extremely poor on both quizzes. But this is really what I feel after 3 days of hardwork, revising on all previous materials up to random processes. I think I am stupid not to cover up all 
materials but I think it's ridiculous none of the these parts are tested in a "test". I feel shocked!

    I acknowledge that professor has the right to set the question paper in any style, but I guess most of us don't like this style. It's not that the question is extremely difficult and beyond our comprehension. If the topic (DFT) is told prior to exam, I think all of us can do it. If the scope is not specified, then by common sense the quiz shouldn't only include DFT. Same goes to the first quiz. I don't think the mean of around 30 marks really reflects the standard of student.

    Of course nothing could be done now, but I would really hope professor and tutors take some time to think about our responses. After all, we are just students.

Regards,
Choon Lim. 

挑战

       没想到会在这屡屡地倒下……一个交白卷的学生看起来极像颓废的同学。

       我还是以往的逃课王，只是在少了教学录像的帮助下，变得有点一筹莫展。

       CA不再是帮助过关的那般简单，在不同教授的喜好下，有不同的杀人手段。

       在异地的高空坠落是陌生的，模糊的彷徨正在逐渐摧毁自信。

       或许是18个学分的错？当其他交换生都在游玩的时候，我只能在旁徒羡。

       但我不该被羡慕所迷茫，因为别人也正在羡慕我的生活。

       18分是这里交换生的学分上限，却只是南大颓废的象征。

       如果我修得再少一点，回去后等着我的炼狱会更难熬。

       何必去怨天尤人？那是走向堕落的开端。

       所以即便摔得再难看也终得爬起来，尽管那需要时间和适应。

       自信确实减少了，但乐观不可少，因为它提供给我挑战的勇气。

       谈不上有充分准备，但今天一战，等待……重拾自信的高昂！抑或……再度失败的不忿！

 

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       再度死亡……为什么课程教的次序会不按照notes的？认栽了，逃课的代价。

       但是还是有点生气，怎么每一次都这么混账？教了N堂的课却只出第N堂课的内容。

       三天的努力复习恍如白费，20%就这样不见……

       要合格，我是否需要点运气？