废话

口头上说废话的能力远比国兴逊色，我更擅长乱作文章，在字里行间信口开河。正因为尚在象牙塔内，所以总是有此闲情（同义：无聊）去乱吐象牙。实际上这不过是一种消遣，有时稍微有些意义，当更多时在互相矛盾；有时作为情绪抒发，但更多为把自己当成一个主题，又捧又辱又赞又弹，盖现实中不该常以自己为中心，所以总得有个空间是属于自己的，以自我为中心。缺点是自说自话极可能陷入精神崩溃，优点是舞文弄笔即使是废话连篇也会运用到文字。

冷酷

有时候觉得自己内心有着极其残忍冷酷的一面。

证据一：不花钱买气受。如果经济菜饭的Aunty夹菜时很吝啬，明明夹了八条还硬生生在我面前把两条放回去，我从此再也不会“帮衬”。如果煮炒的Aunty服务态度嚣张，脸比乞丐还臭却自以为不可一世高高在上唯我独尊，我从此再也不会“帮衬”。我会以拒绝光顾，恶毒诅咒和散播谣言尝试去减少档主的生意，让他越早关门大吉越好。因为我相信，他没有存活在商业世界里的原因和价值。

证据二：为小事偏激固执。实际上通常不过是一件极其为普通或不起眼的小事，但可能在我心里却位置极重。譬如说：在地铁站内带着耳筒听歌的人，内心非常慷慨，冒着手机电量快速耗尽的危险，冒着小小耳膜承受高分贝轰炸随时失效的危险，总想和全车上的人分享其所好，通常是摇滚之类的。他们不是可怜得耳筒坏了两百年没钱去换一个新的，而是可怜别人没有音乐听，漫长旅途中甚是无聊，所以善心大发不吝分享。可惜我不能领会这些人的好意，总是以怨报德，每一次遇上他们的时候，心里总是得默默地诅咒他们千百轮，因为我觉得在这回事上众乐乐不如独乐乐，我心里有自己的弦律要聆听，没有空间去容纳和欣赏别的。而我实在想也想不明白，把声量调低有这么困难么？

证据三：幼稚淘气。小孩子要玩就玩，要闹就闹，完全是随心随意的。很多时候我觉得我心里还有孩童那份稚气，总是要做就做，要停就停，老实说对其他人来说是很残忍的，因为他们的意见、感受就会被完全搁置，忽略和罔顾。虽然这种事情发生的机率比较小，但我知道我是有可能达致绝对残忍，绝情冷酷，连回望同情的眼神也吝于施。。。但愿这种事不会再发生第三次，在中学我已经结了两个希望从此不会再碰面的仇人。

寓言

看过的寓言不多，但有一则觉得很有意思，看过以后就永藏在心。

话说从前，有一个小孩很喜欢到海边玩，结识了一只海鸥，彼此都玩得很开心，快乐的时光就这样一只维持。小孩的父亲看到小孩和海鸥的关系这么好，就欺骗小孩去抓海鸥回来，打算卖出去赚一笔。机灵的海鸥（不懂为什么心灵感应到小孩这一次的动机有别）于是便只在空中盘旋，不下来和小孩玩，小孩很失望地回家，然后从此海鸥就没有和小孩玩了。

如果现实中人也像寓言中的海鸥就好了，随其所好任意结识朋友，耍乐欢笑；然后在罪恶或灾难来临之前靠神来的智慧避开。这样的话，他就不需要在与陌生人交往的过程中带有戒备，也不会害怕因为疏忽而陷自己于危险，也不会因为愚蠢而给罪恶机会张牙舞爪。这样的世界，就会趋向更美好了。

周末

难得的周末即将要结束咯，等待着的又是星期一的工作天。老实说实习剩下的期间也不多，只有六个星期。很快就要交IA report，但心里老是很不乐意地写，无聊的废话我喜欢写，但略带技术的我却很厌烦写，真是矛盾。

这个周末，打了一次壁球，看了一场球赛，写了两篇垃圾文章，寄了四张明信片，回了一些email，看了一些小说和物理，就这样结束咯。虽然我做事都是靠易消的劲，但好像很喜欢一心多用，是典型的花心么~

Rubbish Mix

Just a rubbish mix or sum up of this week basically.

IC Spider and Heat Blower

After I came up with the almost-complete schematics, I need to put all the spiders (ICs) back to the PCB. And again, I proved myself to be an absolute idiot by failing to put the biggest spider with 28 knee-down legs. Stupid surface mount technology, I cursed. Struggling in between the incapability of putting it back and the must of putting it back, I ended up blowing the PCB again and again until the surfaces turned black, the pads dropped, the spider' legs broke - the perfect indication of OVERCOOK. Aih....I just couldn't be more constructive, could I? Or perhaps that time I was too hungry and mindless?

So, again I had to dig up my courage to tell my super kind-hearted small boss of this disaster. It wasn't a good feeling after all. If I were him, I must be wondering am I utilizing his kindness as incentive to breed errors? And luckily, he's still the same kind person who just acknowledged my mistake and didn't say anything further. Now I must let myself regret of spoiling his private board, that badly. Sigh~

Electronic engineer and electronic hobbyist

I was puzzled. Capacitor blocks DC current, but then why we still use DC to charge capacitor arr? Without using my logic, straigh away I seeked help from Google by typing: "Capacitor blocks DC". To my astonishment, the first link in wiki provided the answer of my question. Alas, I forgot the step input and the charging characteristic of capacitor. It's after capacitor same voltage as source then it blocks current when there is no more change in voltage. The culprit: formula of capacitance impedance whereby if you treat DC = AC with 0 frequency, (which is not really true...) you would get infinite impedances and current wouldn't flow at all. And I neglected the formula is based purely on i) sinusoid ii) ac steady state condition iii) dc steady state condition.

I think I always have difficulty in understanding capacitor, transistor, op-amp and bla bla bla. I still remembered last time when high school teacher first taught op-amp, I was really puzzled how come a device that draws no current can amplify signal? How fake is it? Doesn't it contradicts with the Kirchoff Law of Current? Only till 2nd year in university I realized that the op-amp is powered up by two other pins, and the "no current go in thing" is just ideal op-amp characteristic, that it's because of the complex circuit inside designed purposely to make this characteristic.

If I didn't understand that time, why didn't I ask my teacher? Perhaps I was too stupid not to ask question. Why am I so adamant. still?

Hence I went to read on some other misconceptions of electronics, and I suddenly found myself back to those old school times, when I feel satisfied and happy after getting know the "truth" and understand it. That's when I thought I was fond of understanding physics, just pure sciences at the basic level. I think I am too easy to be satisfied and lack the drive to further my understanding deeper and deeper. Yet I thought myself are keen in physics, and often I proclaims so. Doesn't it just seem contradicting?

As compared to those electronic hobbyists, who really take up the profession because of their interests, I feel very ashamed of myself. Ya, I would get a electronic engineer sooner or later, second upper class at least unless I encounter misfortune; but how much more electronic stuff I know than those hobbyists? Nothing at all. Practically I am unworthy to be compared to them. And is it too late to turn myself to be electronic hobbyist? Nope. But is that what I really want? I need to find more fun in it, to ignite the turn.

Language

I would never thought that I could write so long in English. And yes, I am writing in English at present more and more because for the really first time in my life I could express my ideas that well in English. Though there are still many grammatical erros, but I don't care. I just want to immense myself in the joy of commanding English - the language I once hated most, I once feared most throughout my primary and lower secondary school times.

But if you ask me go back to those days, and write an essay given a topic, I would still stuck. Because that's not really what I want to say. It's like forcing me to vomit out words by words, sentences by sentences, without any true feeling inside. So I starts to wonder, does these essays practice really help a student to learn how to write? Without much exposure and enlightment, what's there so many feelings and thoughts to be put in lines?

Though I was ashamed of extremely weak in English that time, I always against my parents' will of persuading me to take up tuition or express class in holidays. I boasted that I would excel in English if I feel myself want to, without help from others; and if you forced me to go study while I didn't like it, I wouldn't improve either. Very arrogant indeed. Where did my pride came from arr? So poor yet so boastful? So funny, :)

劲

越来越觉得自己做事其实是靠一股劲，而不是那么理智的。一旦劲消了就很难再勉强做下去，只有过了一段期间后，等劲再起时再冲刺。学期刚开始不久很有热诚地去学韩文，学不久后劲消了，然后又冒起热城去看小说。正如之前我突然抛下这里，然后突然又想回来这里，我觉得自己越来越难预测了。唯一可以肯定的是，再过一段期间，我又会重新埋头在各本韩文的自学书中，惟不知这段期间是多长。

我就像是一阵来去无踪的风，兴起时激昂地绕着风眼旋转，劲消时冷漠地化为尘埃停滞。这种热冷骤变，差距是否有点太过呢？

正邪好坏

霆辉突然间收到学弟的电话，原来他们进了辩论决赛需要帮助。老实说，在过了这么久之后，在没有任何预测下，获知他们进了决赛蛮令我们惊讶！立场有点不讨好：正不能胜邪，或许正因为如此才突然间想到找我们吧。尽管大家都有点忙，心理可能也有点逃避，但从来没有怀疑过必须给与帮助，毕竟这是我们曾经长期苦心经营的活动，于是二话不说彼此就投入了讨论和思考，尽量抽一点时间为他们设立架构，删改稿件。

据说他们在决赛的表现压过对方，但以差一票栽在裁判的手上。似乎裁判认为我们没有誓死捍卫邪恶力量，没有以身作则宣告自己道德破产邪恶至极，所以觉得他们不够绝，或者说立论错误。忍不住地叹息，这不是先入为主么？如果裁判一定要以自己对破题的见解强加于双方身上，不以场上的争锋交接来判定胜负的话，倒不如去看傀儡表演好了。即便我们采用他们的立场，他们也一定又会另有意见，譬如世界如果真的如此邪恶，为什么世界末日还没到来等等……说白一些，就是裁判在内心和辩论员辩论去了，而不是看对方是否有作出相应的反驳。这简直是狗屁不通，论题如果没有矛盾就不会被拿出讨论啦。

尽管如此，还是很庆幸听到他们进到了决赛，并且打出了不错的表现。胜负不是一切，从来裁判就未必一定懂得什么是辩论，懂得怎样去欣赏辩论。听说之前居然还有裁判说他们自由辩轮流站起来有点机械化，真是愚昧之极。但以后前景依然暗淡，辩论队人数一如往常人丁单薄，或许辩论在这个电脑虚拟世界早已成为一门过时的活动。而且联系也似乎出了问题，虽然说我们都身在远处，也早已退隐不管，不会主动去过问，但依旧欢迎求助。

回想起来，有时自己也是搞不懂，七年的辩论，究竟带来什么坏处？好处比较显而易见，但坏处很难去整理。或许就是过程中见证太多的人事纠纷并且和曾经一度尊敬的老师对抗成仇人？哈哈，事实上，涉及辩论之后究竟比在涉及辩论之前，人变得更好一些还是更坏一些，人生得到更多还是失去更多……有时，我会去怀疑。诚然，这种怀疑的精神也是从辩论这培养回来的习惯，哈哈……

Culture & Mentality

Culture

A friend from Hong Kong came few days ago and yesterday I "sort of" brought her around. I wondered is that call "bringing around" because she had almost traveled all the tourist spots before yesterday, and most importantly, there aren't many distintive differences between Singapore and Hong Kong except culture. Hong Kong chinese, Singaporean chinese, Malaysian chinese, all with different cultures. Inside the same cultural group nobody share the exact identical personality. Environment, education, experience all play a part in shaping one's personality. If we can accept people are different, we can accept cultures are different. Things are meant to be unique to render the world colourful and harmoneous but not mono. But how often can a human, obsessed predominantly by his/her own way of thinking, be disposed to admire strength not found in ourselves but exposed in differences?

Mentality

I wonder should I blame it to the "culture" among ourselves. It's not "kia-su" mentality but rather form of teasing among friends, perhaps in companion with slight envy. And in the past I "should-be" among the major criminal that found guilty of teasing friends for hardworking. It's just too natural for me to tease a friend: Wah, so hardworking ar? Wah, so fast do tutorial ar? when I saw them studying. Sincerely I didn't mean to discourage them to study, it's just too natural as this kind of behaviour is circulating among ourselves. If people tease me like this I probably would reply with smile or another teasing, and continue to study. But only after recent strong protest from two strongmen I finally realized not everyone behaves like me and they really care about what others say and would feel embarass to continue study.

Aiyo, then I die lor...for becoming a culprit of discouraging others to study. Damn damn. Didn't mean for that but anyway... It's true even it doesn't not mean for discouraging, it's still far from encouraging to study. So, I have to change my behaviour from this moment on. Next time you won't see tease you on hardworking (on other things perhaps), but you will hear :"Oh begitu rajin bagus! Belajar pandai pandai la~" Does that sound more supportive? Haha~

Good Friday, Good Holiday

Tiredness & Sleep

I thought I am actually getting on the right track of completely used to working life, with time adjusted to be most productive in all areas. Sleep at about 12.00am, alarm ring at 6.30am and off, wake up at 6.40am, take bus, sleep in mrt, and finally reach company in the range of 5-15 minutes late. Surely it's not enough sleep for a person who need at least 8 hours of sleeping time. Though physically tired but mentally still fresh to do work. Just too bad last Friday I fell asleep on the chair in front of the computer while I was reading some application notes. And my nice team leader told me on Monday: Hey! Your boss caught you sleeping during work...Are you ok? Recently what makes you feel that tired? TERRIFIED. Fear overrun me. It was just like found guilty of doing something bad which you don't really realize. How come I don't know that he know I fell asleep? Finally I have to try to tackle the circuit design given by big boss, which I was felt too hard and lazy to do before. If not I will die, I know that. Then I put in some effort, went to discuss with him and said sorry. The truth is that he didn't see that, other manager complained about me. Hoo....WORST SCENARIO! No wonder he didn't wake me up and scold me. But the imej I left in his mind couldn't be worst. And I felt I have also betrayed the good will of my nice team leader, by putitng him into a position of not taking good care of me and giving me appropriate work. Just worst repay he could get for being nice to me. I start to feel that I would have a tougher environment and higher pressure to live and breathe.

FYP

After all the past worries, finally I got a fyp project and settled down. Will be working on dc-dc converter with cher huat together, and eddie also under the same prof. I would expect a very tough life ahead but hope we can get through it succesfully and colorfully. I don't really have a particular interest in that project. I feel the same for all analog signal design project. As long as I could learn a lot of useful things out of it, I would be satisfied because it proves that I would have overcame fear of incompetence and lack of ability. Sometimes I don't really understand where my grades come from, because only through recent practical exposures I REALIZE what is EE. V, I, R, C are there to let you control to achieve what you want. V is potential difference --> ground have to be always connected, Signal = ?, Noise = ?, finally know how to use oscilloscope, dmm; finally start to believe transistor's existence and etc. I think I am very slow to REALIZE thigns especially in learning, like I only REALIZE the real existence of trigonometri in F5 although sin-cos was taught in F3, REALIZE real existence of matrix and integration = sum of small parts last year when I was using MATLAB although it were long taught in Maths since secondary high school. I understand thing just for the sake of understanding, so am I actually smart or dumb?

Work & Future

Guess all of us that are about this age has already started to imagine what would be their future live as the nostalgic university life is going to end soon. 1 years+ of busy work ahead is no longer than short period of travels. It's time to dig out my heart and see what words are stored inside. INTEREST? WORK? MONEY? The boundaries between each are blurring and couldn't be differentiated as clearly as I wish. Crystal clear live objective is somewhere outside the known charts. I had a very long and happy conversation with my colleague, a middle-aged Sarawak guy who is currently PR. He went through many more hurdles than I had, and we had discussed on some issues. He shared his experiences to me. When you were first graduated you would think that field is of your zeal, you would definitely devote your energy and spirits into it tirelessly. And you persisted for few years. After that things started to change. What's still keep you to work eventually would only be one thing: MONEY $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. Though I tried to argue that even you may lost your ultimate interest, you couldn't hate that work. I don't believe one could continue doing something that he/she actually hates it, just like one couldn't live with someone that he/she hates to live with, not even one second. And he agreed.

Had he lost his soul by condemning himself to have only money in his eyes like those figures that are portrayed in comics? Certainly no. He didn't have such a thought before he graduated. He went through more stages of life and he changed. It has led me to rush into such conclusion: it's not normal for a person who haven't graduated only emphasizes on $$, while it's not normal for a person after so many years of life don't emphasize on $$. Before I reach that stage, I wouldn't be certain that I will still be same as now. No way I could decide. Ya, it's true that from now on we should do everything by following our heart. But human is just so complex and easy to change. So it boils down to the ultimate basic question: Is what you choose now really of your interest? How sure are you? By repeating this question and forcing myself to answer would drive myself mad, hence I rather choose not to decide. No point to decide if I know there's not possible to decide, at this point of time. By reading the newspapers, you could find so many life stories of persons finally figure out what he/she want, after so years of life, after exposures to different areas, after successfully at least make livings independently. What I could do is to continuously search and observe.

Money

When you have money your hand starts to feel itchy, struggling to hold it and wish to persuade your heart to buy "utility" for yourself. Materialistic - Consumerism - Present modern world. I felt so strange that, I starts to deviant away from my normal self: from being a super stingy person (to buy things for myself) to someone who no longer really cares about spending. Because I am on IA and earning some money. I know I am heading into a dead end and I should stop and pull myself back. But that just explains how strong is the influence of real business world and how true is the greed of inner heart. Sometimes I feel lost in between holding and spending $$ on something. What's the true utility that I had bought? Do I purposely make myself feel blue and go buy something to cheat myself some happiness? And of the existing cheating and "strategy-driven" business environment, what thing you get is true? Ribena without Vitamin C, Haagen-Dazs== America company (smart foreign branding or foreign fancy psychological trap?), how many hard facts that I would still need to swallow to feel the virtualness of this world? Would you rather be ignorant but innocently happy, or informative but struggles to happy?

And perhaps, of the most disastrous thing what a man could do with $$ --> Buy sexual pleasure. I went with friends to eat chilli crabs in Geylang, where we passed by the red-light zone. It has been my second time to Geylang since 1st year FOC, and it's my second time to see prostitutes. I am not a hypocrite to say I am as pure as Monk and have a "clean" harddisk. But if sex is something pleasant in life to be enjoyed, I don't see a point of going for prostitute. The environment is so disgusting and full of dark elements: cigarettes, alcohols, dirtyness, underground... What are you paying? It's like pay to get yourself raped. Wonderfully stupid. But am I too innocent or what? Maybe only few % of guy of my age go, but certainly much much higher % of guy of middle-aged or old man go... And why? Is that really that enjoyable...I don't see the point. Really.

Emotion

Adults always wish to go back to their worryless childhood time, but all innocent childs grow up to adults with full range of human emotions. Is that because we started to think things in more perspectives? Is that because we get loaded with different tasks and relationships? Is that because we starts to feel what real life is? A child would never know why an adult would change his mood just for something minor in his/her eyes, an adult know what, why and how but just couldn't control it. Ups and downs, everyday. Sometimes I tend to have more worries when I am surrounded by happiness, because I know by the time I lost it, I would feel lost also deep into the heart. Sometimes I tend to smile for small things when I am not in a good mood, because I know I need it to avoid collapse. Is this balancing fun? No idea.

Today is actually holiday. Should I say I write this because I want to or because I am bored and got nothing else better to do? Perhaps writing too much would makes myself even more complex. To avoid being eaten up by pride, I shall need to read on more things to counter balance it. Why can't life be a bit more simpler? Yawn~

Reason for passion of life

Went for a little walk in new Ang Mo Kio hub, a interchange-business hub, similar or second to Toa Payoh interchange. When I wandered in Breadtalk I suddenly saw a familiar face. Ya, the manager. How come he's here? I thought he should be in Jurong Point's branch.

I didn't know him at all actually, neither do he know me. It was just a minor incident that led me remembered him. That was one early morning, when I still in transition period of IA life, I went to search for breakfast in JP, hoping that Breadtalk had opened. The shop wasn't opened, and I stopped to look inside from far since it was lighted on. He was busy dazzling around to arrange breads. A worker had dropped a bread and he immediated turned red and scolded her very badly. I didn't make any bad assumption of him but instead I was wondering why did he need to be so nervous and pacey?

This time I bought 2 breads, and he was in the counter there to put it into plastic bags. With thunderous speed, he put in the first. With the same speed, he dropped the second. And he was quick to say to me: I would get another one for you. Well, that's fine. Doesn't really matter to me. But it sparked off my thoughts. Why do he need to be so nervous? From my one-sided assumption, he's too eager to manage his shops in perfect arrangement, perfect flow, and leave customer a good image. I have to say that he's indeed a very seroius worker. But is he a good manager? If I linked the two incidents together, it may not suggest so. I think he's too engrossed into manage "things" instead of "humans". Everyone make errors. It would leave me a very good image if he turn humoureous when he dropped the bread, if he kindly remind his worker not to make silly mistake.

Since Breadtalk is not opened so early, now I usually would buy a bun in 24 hours shop near AMK interchange for breakfast. The two female workers are fine, but I had never see them smile when they are selling breakfast. They look serious in getting their maximum sales of breakfast. I could understand it's hard to deal with flowing mass demand, but... Just on the opposite site, there are always 3 person who give away the free "my-paper", and one of them always wear on smiley face. Opposite. Just opposite. It's true everyone has to deal with his/her own stiffing constraints, but it could be done in different ways. It's not to say that I don't like the bun seller, but if there is another shop just besides, employ the happy distributor and selling the same thing, I wouldn't never return back to the original one to buy. Not even pity would drive me to do so. For service sectors, perhaps the most precious value addition is the smile and happiness, which is costless but also priceless.

Perhaps I am too cruel, because I myself feel tired easily too, and always find myself in the struggle of generating happiness. The passion for life is not necessarily provided by happiness, for different people they have different reasons. It could be anger, hatred, frustration, ego, arrogance, greed, pride, competition and blah blah blah. As long as it drives you to live, it counts.

So why do I live for? Perhaps I live to keep my eyes open, as wide as I can, as clear as I can.

Blue, Shock & Fear

Blue is Monday's Blue. Even I slept for about 8 hours, which is already 1 hour + more than daily sleeping hours, I still didn't feel refrehsed at Monday. I was like just dragging my body to company at the morning, and dragging it back at the evening...snoozing and swinging my head numerous times in the company. I wasn't working. You could well argue that if your have high spirit, this is just excuse. But certainly I could feel the Monday's Blue symptom. It wasn't that I didn't try to wake myself up but the spirit was well clouded by tiredness, physically and mentally.

 

      Shock is Electric's Shock. This time is seriously the worst case - shocked by stupid high voltage 4.4kV EFO box. Assume my finger skin's resistance is really about 1M Ohm which is measured using dmm, then there was about 4.4mA current grounded through me. Darn! The feeling of letting current run through heart wasn't good to be experienced at ALL! My hand simply just shocked off the connection and my heart was "peaceful" for 1 second. Darn! My carelessness has once again emerged and become my hardest enemy to fight against. I couldn't prevent all the previous lighter shocks (ESD shocks, sparks shocks, explodes of big capacitors) which weren't really my faults, but this time I only have myself to be blamed for. Why was I too engrossed to out figure what's wrong with the box after I changed some setting, WITHOUT TURNING THE POWER OFF? The same over-concentration had caused me one laptop before, and now I allow it to happened again. Sigh! Darn! No next time! My supervisor said it just take few mA to kill, and I am still so mindless? (I had checked that few mA may not enough to kill, but enough to cause pain) Darn! Helpless cunt...

 

      Fear is Inferiority's Fear. Time and again my heart has been troubled by this same quesiton: am I able to take on electronics / IC design? Facing all the top scholars and given my special extra workload of 3rd year subjects, I will be fighting the utmost challenge in my u-life. I have nothing against top guns, I know some of them as my friends and I really respect their talents, hardwork or whatever; but to only compete to them is another question. I know with passion and hardworking, nothing is impossible. But I for certain is not passionate enough to confirm that this is my final interest, and I will not go all out to submerge myself in sea of books, because of my own characteristics. I am just too greedy, wish to live in such a way that I am still able to take care of other things. I would feel myself too pity if I really need to be forced to focus on one thing. Ya, the so-called conventional wisdom tells you that nothing could be achieved without focus and sacrifice, but I am just too reluctant to follow it. I am a child that never grow up, adamant and persistent as ever. Ya, it's true fear and also true egoism. Will I turn the fear into surge of spirit before it overrun me? Time will tell.

 

       Besides these, today is a precious day that I could finally see both sun rise and sun set of a day after a long period. And, it's also Chak Hon's birthday. Enthusiasticsally yet strugglingly, patiently yet tiresome, I had pass a day.

Fairness

A word just struck my mind, "Fairness". I suddenly realized how important this essense is to everyone, that it links with the inner spirit of everyone. The presence or the lack of it would trigger perhaps the strongest emotion from anyone, be it in any relationship between humans: parents-childs, teachers-students, employers-employee, bilateral friendship or love. Perhaps in all the spiritual needs, fairness is the most longed for. In any circumstances, what you would want is a fair chance to play your part, to prove yourselves.

It's fairness that serves as the ultimate factor who drives Chinese malaysians to convert to Singaporeans, it's fairness that a company would eventually keep or lost its employees, it's fairness that explode many person's hatred towards US. The lack of fairness would create the non-diminshing, non-degradable hatred that a person would carry for the rest of his/her life.

Fate or luck is unfair, because it's born of randomness. Though everyone have to accept this "injustice", it's just dubious that anyone could proclaim that himself/herself don't need fairness in other aspects.

But then here comes the paradox. A person who always demands for fairness most probably would eventually turn into a person that could only see his/her fairness, ignoring others' need.

Fairness is true fairness if there is a balanced give of it to others and take of it from others. Be it, or unfair at all.

But, how fair can a person be? The world is never perfectly balanced, neither is life.

Decision of Life

I had decided to quit blogging not long ago. I wish I won't come back here forever. For all the reasons that lead me to stop writing blog, the most of it is because I believe I should start to value happiness more the sadness. And I believe myself to be able to do so, without this virtual dumping ground of sadness. But today is just one of the day that I couldn't sleep because I have too many decisions to be make, too many doubts need to be cleared. There is no other way better than using my hands and words to calm myself down and think logically.

Which final year specialization should I go? Electronics or IC design? Why is there a need for this separation since these two closely-related options are only different in one subject? Why they want to seperate FYP projects according to option? I am really puzzled. How am I going to determine I am interested more in understanding the internal design, or in designing the outer architecture using internal stuff? How do I know which part am I more talented in before I really go into it?

But no matter what would be my final choice, I am going to take a difficult path. The fact that most of the top international scholars cram into these two specializations do worry me a lot. Am I able to survive? Though I am a scholar, I don't really live up to expectation. I am not deanlist, I don't get Ureka, my theoritical understanding power is not that high, my practical skills are like shit, and I am not a very quick learner in EEE. I could already imagine the ultimate pressure for being fell behind the lectures, not doing well in CAs, and the cumulating stress developed by the competitive environment. Ya, I am so pessimistic. Mentality wise I am already a loser even before the battle starts. I can comfort myself that once I survive, I could be among the fittest...but the true fear still prevails.

Dr.Goh said you have to accept yourselves, your own level if you had tried your best. It's true. But am I able to accept it? It goes down to who I am eventually. I had a thought to ask Dr.Goh about her FYP projects, but since I know that she was grabbed by some PRC scholars I dare not to ask already. I know I am complex. I was thinking that if I am so good then perhaps she would have try to hint me about FYP projects. What a super ego and self-centred student that hope the prof would do this? What's wrong with me to just ask for projects? I am strangely adamant. Though she's the only good prof I know, I don't really like to ask her for help. Perhaps I am hoping to get a super tough environment, and prove myself there. I know one day I will fall because I am too unwilling to seek for others' help on big occasions.

But straight after this, I have to decide what should I do after graduation? What do I want to achieve? What's my life goal? For the 23 years that I had lived, I had never make a big decision logically or rationally. I learnt chinese chess just because my father taught me and I wanted to play with him. I joined debate team just because soul mates think I was more than capable to succeed in it. I come to NTU just because I got scholarship. I applied scholarship just because I followed my friends to submit forms. I came to Singapore earlier just because Ah Goh wanted to come here earlier to see the environment. I went INSTEP exchange just because Kok Heng felt very enthusiastic to go and had succeded to influece me. For many things in life, I am rather passive and not informative. Not that I need to rely on others to make decision, I still make every decision on my own and I will bear responsibility for my decision, but I won't take any initiative to change my life. If it comes then let it be, if it don't then it's ok since I am not awared of it.

But now I have to force myself to answer this question: for what reason am I living on this planet? If I am going to live for myself, not for others, what actually do I want to achieve? For a very long period I didn't really think it's important for me to consider myself. I values any relationship with others, but I don't really values myself that much.

I didn't go any way wrong along the route and I am actually in a quite good and bright situation, but sometimes I just feel I didn't had enough guidance (not rules) when I was growing up. I was trained to hide my feelings because parents were too busy with business and somehow the age gap of 5 years between me and elder sister was a bit big. I was a very good and hardworking student in school, because I know if I get into troubles, my parents won't have the time to tackle it. It would be a additional burden for them who were already too busy. Whenever I missed a school bus, I wouldn't dare to call to office to ask for transport, I walked home. Giving them more trouble would equals to bring myself problem as well. I have been used to rely only on myself along the long route of studies, which was lonely. I couldn't afford to fail any subject, because it would mean dead end quarrel for my parents, and my parents with sister. But even I got good results or good achievements, I seldom receive compliments or recognition. They were too busy. My eager to prove to them that I was very capable usually went unnoticed. Ya they helped me hang the certificates on the wall, but they didn't really remember it. One time when my mother praised my nephew who was standard 5 for being able to cook rice, I straight away replied didn't you know that I even know how to cook simple dishes when I was in standard 5? Haha, unnoticed...again.
And well, have to laugh again.

They do love me very much, they provided me with many materials and freedom that I need; but I just lack the spiritual soil to grow a strong mentality - lack of courage and initiative to change my life. I am tolerant enough to endure what fates bring to me but I am not courageous enough to challenges uncertainty. I wouldn't like to shape myself to be pity when in fact I am not. Just want to be sincere and reflective to myself, more of my evil side. So now this's my problem, how am I going to do? Where's my target to drive me on? I just wish I could have a simple and happy life for the rest of my life...but how am I going to achieve that?

Worries aside, at this point of time, I am actually quite happy with what I have now. Though my not-informative weakness has once again led me into the wrong field in industrial attachment (Power electronics is not under electronics, it's under power), I must say I got very good colleagues, supervisors and working environment. It's rather enjoyable experience (ya, not really meaningful but enjoyable), as compared to the fear I had before entering the company. And because of my luck (rather than capabilities) I had helped my supervisor to obtain few testing results that were long needed before. Not a bad situation. I must feel grateful to this luck.

And my watch, given by my sister, which the digital clock has stopped for few months, started to move again out of a sudden. Perhaps electronics is as unpredictable as human. It just gives you surprise. And this is one of the biggest surprise in my life. Because no matter how, I values this watch, which is given my sister.

Today is 21st of March, and I am imsonia-ing. Today is also birthday of my best friend - ah goh. But too bad he was too smart to sms me that please don't celebrate for him as he is too busy. Strategically he win. Though I feel a bit sorry to see friend's birthday is not celebrated, but I just have to accept what he needs. Different people, comes from different families with different growing background, have different thoughts and personality. Anyway, Happy 23th birthday to you!

旅程

感觉有点像，回到了First Year三个人去Can B温习功课，却聊天多过读书的那种情况、那种心情。现在看回去，不知不觉，就这样了……

日前，遇到了Hall 10仅仅认识的几个人，First Year的Hall FOC和两年的象棋经验，不知不觉，就这样了……

日前，收到了辩论队经理桢琦送回在队里的剩余的存款，两年的大学辩论生活，我就这样选择了不辞而别。辩论七年之痒，不知不觉，就这样了……

日前，有了一次难得的DIP Reunion Gathering，看着桌上Choy Kien特意做的相架里的照片，五个星期的Project经验，不知不觉，就这样了……

昨天，收到了交换留学时认识到的德国朋友写来的信，突然之间有冲动想飞过去……在香港那段曾有的梦，看回去，不知不觉，就这样了……     

再细微的点滴，只要曾跌落在心湖，就会被永远储藏。每份感觉一旦被勾起，就会从朦胧至清晰地重回脑海。但，那些细腻的感觉从来都非笔墨所能形容。总是缅怀过去，是我不可救药的弱点，但我总是坚信，每个人都是从每步的过去中走过来的。而理性，唯一能够做的，就是把即将化为过去的现在过得有意义、有意思一点，一旦化为过去，一切都将会只是情感的重温了……

现在，又有另外三个人开始了另一段旅程；若干年后看回去，也会觉得不知不觉，就这样了……