FYP GG! BB!

Yesterday we finally showed prof our results and he said that was not what he want. In current comparator mode the error amplifier by right should be taken off. STUNNED. Previously the whole system didn't work because there's no error amplifier (EA), and now when it's finally working, you want to take it off? ...

With little confidence, I went on to work whole night and today's morning to tune parameters in the system. When I finally got it works, the transient response is don't know how many times worse than the one with EA. PARALYZED. From all the papers that I had red, EA is absolutely necessary. The simulation proves my gut feeling right. But I doesn't feel happy at all, because this is exactly opposite of what he want. DESPAIR.

But no matter how, I need to get the results to put in the report. I need to persuade him to abandon his crazy idea and take our set of comparison instead. Tough task. We called him but he wasn't in the office. Well, it seems like I could only meet him tomorrow, so I walked to the canteen to have my dinner with friends.

Suddenly I saw him. SURPRISED. I saw a life line. I explained to him what I got, against his will.

"Why is it slower? Do you have any theory to back it up? Where's your transfer function? I've told you since day one that you need to work out your theory right? Now you suffers. The v-i converter's gain is very high, so it's just function like EA. Don't ask me why your result is like that. You know now is towards the end of the project? You guys are EXCEPTIONALLY SLOW. That's why now you have problem you have no time to fix it. It's too late. You have to submit your reports on Monday right? If you want to put your results in you just put, I will just judge base on your explanation. " (*repeat)

He didn't listen to me. All my points were rubbished by him. DEFEATED. How can a chicken converse with chicken? (Chinese idiom) After that conservation, I really felt like crying but the intense feeling didn't build up so in the end I didn't. Nonetheless, I am between the devil and dark blue sea now. Put in my own sets of comparison, he wouldn't like it. Put in his sets of comparison, I couldn't get the result and explain it. CONFUSED.

What else can I do? I am on the brink to give up. The most I can do is to complete the report, submit and sayonara. So finally it comes to an end, albeit in this extraordinary way. What more can I say?

All along the way, I didn't feel any joy.

1) I am an IC design student and I learnt nothing about IC design stuff from him because I am doing stuffs related to system.

2) I've struggled all on my own and he doesn't seem to understand my situation.
- I learnt Verilog-A on myself.
- Most papers that he gave are irrelevant and I sourced for papers myself.
- He believed a model that he red from a paper (that is in a total different mode, please!) and told me sarcastically :"if you so keen to believe your book, go on with it!" (that is a book specially written for this, please!)
- I've read many papers to get understand the basic system dynamic response, those bloody models used, state-space averaging method, and put it all together to become a transfer function theoretically. You know how difficult is it? You know how wide and deep the control theory of SMPS is? You know that could be another FYP topic? And you just keep asking for the bloody transfer function without even know the function of inductor in the buck-converter and you suggested to take it out!

I admit that I aren't as hard working as other FYP students under you, but I aren't that lazy in your eyes either. You couldn't see all my efforts. DISHEARTENED. Too bad I can only yell here, cursing myself to miss so many chances to "show face" in the lab. So immature. Haiz. What can I say more? Certainly it's my own problem, isn't it? I've just failed to adjust to the situation. A very hard lesson learnt indeed.

I don't wish to blame on anyone. It takes two hands to clap. I just regret that for so many occasions, I fail to prove myself again and again. There must be some fundamental short comings in my attitude and behaviours that lead to such disaster. That's why I feel a bit down now. Who can suggest me what to do? HELPLESS.

Friends told me not to worry too much, since I've got a job and assured of a second upper but... I'm concerned on my grade of FYP even it may not affect my future (If I say so, why don't I put on more efforts? Shrug*) Don't get me wrong, I don't want to have a grade that I don't deserve, be it good or bad, I just want to have a fair grade. I hate to see my efforts go down to the drain. I hate failures. I am not gracious to accept defeats.

And now I have to swallow this. HEARTACHE.

I shouldn't have chosen IC design. I remembered when I saw these lines somewhere in a textbook in a course I had taken, "You will never know when will you step on other's tail with your words. If a person failed "Chemistry" few times, his strong emotions will be invoked by your words related to Chemistry even though it's just a normal term for you.", I laughed. I thought it's some way hilarious. And now I am suffering from this. Because of this FYP, I had at least experienced 3 worse moments in my life. I hate every bit about IC design. For a long period in the future, IC design will remain a nightmare for me. I just wish to keep myself as far as possible from this. HATRED.

Before this I actually thought of writing some guidelines and recommends some must-read articles for your next batch of students to get the steps right. As I know how hard it was to find the right steps under your guidance. But I don't feel like doing this now. Since you never listen to others' opinion, I shall never share my knowledge and experiences. The coming group are Broadcomm SMP scholars right? Since they are so bright they must be able to understand what you want. I'm off. "Survival of the fittest?" Thank you very much for giving me this chance to prove myself not fit enough to survive in this arena so I won't suffer in the future.

Rant over. Tomorrow and the day after the tomorrow will be the last two days for me to FIGHT. A fight to end my struggles.