The end of a path is the beginning of another.

Suddenly I feel sentimental and want to write something again, so I open this while keeping my 1st blog site frozen, still. Perhaps it would be frozen forever.

Last sem's results were released in "early" morning yesterday and me, Chris, Joeku and Guowei celebrated together. We forced each other to drink one shot of whisky (by Chris) for each cumulative 3 losses in bridge game. Great entertainment. And now Chris is down and half-dead, @.@. Funny. This was the first time that I really "celebrated" the release of results throughout my university life, and perhaps it gonna be the last time, or the second last time.

Now it's time to shift the focus back to the results and ruminate. My results aren't really good. By far this is actually the worst results of all semesters. I should have done better for both technical subjects, particularly the 4341, if not for the terrible mistakes that I had ever made. "It was an easy paper and I screwed it up! I know how to do and yet I screwed it up!!" To screw up a difficult paper is ok because most of the people do, but to screw a an easy paper, haha, it's just disastrous. I can still recall how disheartened were I after that exam.

Yet, these results are acceptable. Looking back into struggles that I had suffered along that semester both physically and mentally, I couldn't complain much, or rather, I should breathe out my relief heavily. That was the first time I let worry overrun me. --> That was the first time I've lost my motivation for study. --> That was the first time I didn't have enough time to finish the minimum level of revision. And now I had passed the most difficult period in my uni life, shouldn't I cheer for myself? Yes, I've made it!

At the same time, I do feel a bit sad for not having any more chance to prove myself at the top. Am I not good enough? Perhaps I wasn't really good then, it's my own illusion. Anyway I am not working as hard as those who are really going for it, so I don't deserve what they deserve to get also. But since it's over, it does not really matter now, haha.

After 16+ years of studies, I started to feel that I have had enough maybe because I enjoyed too much during INSTEP & IA. But If this kind of feeling sooner or later has to creep in, now it's the right time. What's the purpose of studying after all? It's to gain knowledge and skills to work, to earn your worthiness in the society. Time to prepare for real life and plan my future carefully.

What had university 's education really taught me? Basically nothing really useful except those subjects that's related to my future work. Anyway if I am going to do a job that's not related to my specialization, I need to learn new knowledge again. Ironically, university don't teach how to learn and how to think. With the exposure I had now, I don't really like the way they are teaching Engineering here, it's pretty sucks and useless.

Lecture - Tutorial - Exam. It's all fictitious, where's the practical part? How could one really comprehend and understand what he's learning without hands-on? Of what use to learn it if one don't know where he can apply to? In reality knowledge serves as a tool to produce something, in university knowledge is treated as the objective.

i) Why is there a need for students to memorize formulas? Formulas are created to facilitate problem solving, not created to be memorized. If I know the right formula to be used, why can't I refer to books for the exact term? Why is it fair to compare students by memory power but not understanding power?

ii) Why 100% of the grade comes from exams? Why isn't be balanced up by coursework? Although course work can be copied among friends, exam have it own shortcomings too, why is it fair that students are being evaluated purely on exams, with mock questions that has no practical value?

iii) Why practical hands-on of all subjects in 1 semester is carried out in a "LAB" subject that only weighs as poor as 1 AU?

iv) Why subject overlaps each other until it's like 3rd year subject == 2nd year subject's content + increased difficulty content? Who can remembered things that they learned one year ago for once? No one. So it's relearning process again. Does this really helps understanding or it's a sheer waste of time? We are already at University's level, and hence we should have the capability to understand knowledge. Do we still need foundation build-up? Don't we need concentrated and continuous efforts to comprehend knowledge?

v) Why in University we are still being taught passively? Professors plan the curriculum that students should learn and separate it into modules. Firstly, if the professor is not keep tracking with outside world then the content would be out-dated. Secondly, is this the way how people learn outside? People learn things to solve problems, and we learn things to solve problems in the future. There is big difference in motivation, cumulative insights and understanding in each context. Why can't we be given a simulated problem, figure out the necessary knowledge to learn and learn along the way?

Knowledge segregation by subjects, by time and knowledge feeding, are these really what I wish the University to teach me? I pay that much amount of money to learn that? Do we really need professors to teach or do we need mentors to guide? Has tertiary university system already been twisted by the scale up? Is it really that necessary for everyone? Is the university really supplying what the market demand? God knows.

Ah, I shall not care about this any more. Now I shall begin to prepare for the next phase of my life. I'm no longer a student~ :)

Study & Work

When time comes close to graduation, everyone is getting on their nerves by various job opportunities. Does first job matters? Perhaps it didn't really affect much in this fast changing era, where social mobility is high. But for those who's standing on the cross road, it really matters, as it reflects his/her choice and projected path over the next few years.

What are determining factors of choosing a job? Money, Interest, Environment, Career development and bla bla bla. For an adult who's getting near to live on his own for the rest of his life, money's importantce is getting more and more obvious. Reality is harsh. But how would it affect the pursue of interest? How much compensation is required for the tradeoff? Do we, undergraduates that are getting near to graduate, study just for the sake of future, or for the possiblity of advance into higher level in academy, or for the broader option and social mobility? Is study what you like? Is work what you study? Is work what you like?

Choosing job may seem an exhausting thinking process, but would you rather not be given choices? Compare to those who never have chance to get in ivory tower, undergraduates for sure have a stronger competitive edge over them. But if we mis-turn this edge, we would be in a worse situation than them. Would we?
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If you were to rank important characteristics in teamwork among "Capability", "Communication", "Commitment", how would you do? Which should comes first? Communication or commitment? I could only sure that capability doesn't matter as much as commitment and communication skills.
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Time is never enough, especially in final year. But since it could neither be created nor destroyed, the only thing left to do is time management and proper scheduling. I am not a fans of scheduling since young as I have good memory. But now I am forced to adopt this habit because loading memory need energy. After going through all classes, it's near to exhaustion. This piece of reminder somehow serves as a external pushing force, to fulfil what's planned before. It reminds me of consequences of not following it, things drag and jumble up and turn into mess, rushing this and rushing that, having risk of missing this and missing that. But schedule can never be perfect, if I can follow it for about 80%, I would be quite satisfy. Though in most cases, I extend it till late night to complete, in which, I have to sleep during class to compensate. Is it wise? I really have no idea. Perhaps I would sleep in class also even I got enough sleep. ...

Thoughts

Happy convocation, bro. Hope you will have a good start.

Is it any psychology theory to explain why human tends to think a lot more during long journey, as both space and times pass by? It is always in such familiar context that I regain my sense of thoughts.

Competition shapes competency, perception shapes reality, am I ready to self deceive myself to believe that - I have enough courage and intelligence to find the path I wish to take?

Exhausted

Just very very very very very very^10 busy.

Wednesday:
Night - Rehearsal
Midnight - Resume edit
Super midnight - Work on project micro p source code

Thursday:
Morning - Lecture
Evening - Out to Orchard to interview manager
Night - Citibank Recruitment Talk

Today:
Morning - Rush project source code
Afternoon - HRM meeting, only have 10 minutes for lunch, Project assessment.
Evening - Nap 1 hour in i-hub, meet FYP prof for 1 hour.
Night - HRM meeting to work out tutorial 2 questions.

I am already exhausted even without studying core subjects, putting efforts into fyp, design...In the future 2 weeks, 3 CAs are coming, design assgn is going to start, prof comm assignment, hrm report, just don't know when am i going die...couldn't even afford one day in a week for gym, what the ...

Luckily heard something meaningful that has helped me to make decision on not going for bank sector. Hence the rest of talks doesn't seem so attrative that more. Job in bank's just doens't look like going to suit me, and I am not going to force myself to suit in. For me the sacrifice is just too high. It's not just about workload and stress, it's about job nature and politics. Although contents presentated on the talk looked perfectly ok "superficially", there are a lot of things hidden inside. I could smell the fakeness covered in the thick blazer. Ya the MA was great in presentation and seemed like having great working life, but it was also quite obvious he was under tremendous pressure by his boss and colleagues. See how long he had to stand witout grumbling before he presented, if that's called usual business practice, that's so inhuman. See how all the so-called "great colleagues" responded after he finished his speech, there was a hidden frequency in clapping sounds. See how employees responded when the higher level of person came. Ya I can't avoid from the cruel world but I don't want to be in the most cruel environment, unless money can compensate all. At least for me right now, it's still not true.

People says certain amount pressure is good. Yeah, right. But that isn't a justification for being abuse for over-pressure, being in bank sector or in HRM. Yeah there is a lot to learn, but from whom do you usually learn the most? Enemy. So although you learn from him, he's not saviour. No matter how much MH could make me learn in HRM, there is no justification to make a 3AUs subject as heavy as 10 AUs. It's just not fair, and is a abuse of credit system. Many engineering graduates don't want to be in engineering field after this, yeah right. So by this "common sense" is it valid to force everyone to work for this subject much harder than other core subjects? So other professors should just cut-short their courses and give students time to concentrate on this? Yeah, world is not fair and you are not given chance since born. Is that a reason to make you abuse me more? No.

Some people may thank MH for he may "enlighten" them or what, hence all his other actions are justified, hence he is saviour who want to wake people up. Nonsense. All people at high level is master of human psychology, and we are just part of his game. I learnt a lot from him, because he's my enemy. As what he say, this is a war. I guess he would like me to headshot him rather than to thanks him.

视力

纸钞在手一秒钟
声色赶来交朋友
今朝有乐不堪等
明日太远望不见
夜晚宿醉好入梦
梦散酒醒还有夜

船柁在手数十年
风浪已成老相识
现时苦乐看朦胧
安枕无忧享清福
人生好比一场梦
梦好梦坏总得醒

近视，多为青年人所患；
远视，多为老年人所有。

近打河岸

哺育怡保的江河
日夜不停滚滚流动
一波混浊一波贪腐
不堪入目的满江黄
清澈可曾属于过去
清澈会否属于未来

江河两岸的奇树
粗壮高大蔽日遮岸
独对黄黄流污
空摇青青密叶
命运让它于此扎根
从开埠到现在

泥水嚣嚣滑冲
绿树默默挺立
静候琉璃水碧
细瞧朦胧倒影
互为青共向阳
一代又一代

万若漫长的岁月
等来泥河的泛滥
风会把它的种子
吹到翠绿的异地
正如当初的南风
把它吹来此盛开

家中闲梦

听鸟声吱吱，细腻软耳；听雨声滴滴，绵密清心。让发下空空，任思绪悠悠，慵慵懒懒躺床上，迷迷糊糊进梦中。

赞

日前陪母亲去处理公积金的提款申请，柜台服务的马来大姐实在给人留下太深的印象。
“Auntie, ada bawa bou zai （簿仔）?”
“yau sau （右手） tekan”
“Auntie, tangan mahu fong song (放松）”

连发音都丝毫误差，实在“无得弹”，于是投桃报李地赞一个：“Kak pandai bercakap!”美丽的花朵在她的脸上缓缓绽开。

赞，不是因为她是马来人去学粤语，挑起了民族自豪的神经；而是欣喜公务员提高效率，体贴民众。

此种人不可多得，赞要赞出口，而后也值得为文再赞，以示支持。

五元

父亲突提一事，因日前与母亲常奔波少在家，怕别人联络不到，向姐姐拿我托她保管的手提号码，未料姐姐开口第一句就提及重新激活户口的五元。于是父亲暗怒，虽没发作，事完后心中雄火却自个儿烧得通天。养育的百万不计，只为区区五元。旁观火尽烟散后，心中只剩苍凉；连亲姐姐都要防，呼声尽是叹息。我懂得，这不是年轻的叛逆，这不是愚昧的直觉，这是无情的冷。骤然间，我的天空乌云密布，紧接雷雨轰轰，冷风嗖嗖。

雨渐小，向母亲求证。事情确是有，但描述得很轻淡。我直觉地讯问母亲为何不生气，她只说：“生她养她还不知道她性格？改也改不了，生气有何用？徒增悲伤。”我释然，犹如感到一股清新的风，把心中的烟雾吹尽。这不是无益的哀愁，不是简单的心死，而是伟大的包容，厚软的白云。尽管我还是有点不解，我户口有百多块，姐姐平时也有用，何需再激活，激活的五元何来？真是令人疑惑的五元。

一日后拿回号码，打了一通电话，惊觉户口只剩二十余块。向姐姐提起，只听她微笑道：“聊下聊下不知不觉就这样了。”，哭笑不得，只有略微调侃后离去。又不见你用自己的号码聊得那么不知不觉，唉声一出，心里多了一个“服”字。“有入没出”，母亲真是概括得十分精确，于是五元的谜题也解。

想起姐姐曾经调侃我吝啬，现在才觉得一点道理都没有。我的吝啬是对自己的，她的吝啬是对别人的。父亲的阳刚，我不学了；姐姐的精明，我也不学了，我要学的，是母亲的智慧。

特色

所谓“天生我才必有用”，每个人都有自己的特色，只要不是大奸大恶，或小人小虫，大抵都是可爱的。是以职业无分贵贱，种族无分优劣。任何崇尚民族优越论的都应被掷石至死。噢，抱歉，太不民主人道了，是电击至死。每个人，每个种族，以至每种习俗语言文化，只要有其特色，就能合理地存在，就有存在的价值。但也因各有各的特色，所以我们很容易先入为主，以自己的标准否定他人存在的合理，以自己的特色衡量他人的特色，不但欣赏不到位，还会产生鄙视的情怀，真是可惜。

一如语言。叫今人念古人的“之者乎也”，酸溜；叫古人听今人的“的地得了”，头晕。叫老外听北方人又卷又翘的话，混成一团，听南方人入声韵尾的调，鸟语一堆。哪怕同一语言，十里变音，大家也未必听得顺耳。香港人自觉当地粤语正统好听，在广州某些省城可是不堪入耳的歪音。把四川的“川”念成“泉”，大概也只有成都人自己能欣赏。新加坡的语言大杂烩-英语、华语、马来话、福建话、各地方言，我听得总觉奇怪，但这就是地道特色。马来西亚的广东话，因早期移民粤客相掺，受不少客家话影响，例如把“落雨”说成“落水”，若你嫌我语意不清，不知人落水还是落水狗，我反还觉得“落雨”太文雅呢！说“茶雪”就是怡保人，说“雪茶”就是吉隆坡人，就这么简单，要混着说蒙骗身份也可以，就是别抹煞我的特色。大家各有各讲，各得其乐。为外人所取笑或被自己人调侃的，即为特色。

二如风土。每个城市都有自己的开埠史，有的历史悠久，有的新近开辟。在开埠不过百年的城镇找沉淀的历史韵味，无理；在与世隔绝的乡野找交汇的东西荟萃，不通。怪就怪在风土不如语言，出奇地不为自己人所珍惜看重，外国的月亮总是较圆一些。难得先入为主被抛弃一回，大家也就乐于用他人的特色衡量自己的特色。大抵猜想自己住得久了，没什么特别，认不出特色。于是旅游一词，是专给国外的，若自己国家还算大，那就是给城外的，绝没有在自己生长的地方旅游的。居民和游客，外延绝无重叠。诚然居民对城市的各处历史文化的所知比认真的游客还差。大概此类人，即便出到国外旅游，也不过慕名观赏，走马看花，留个脚印，拍张照片而已。其实小山有小山的秀，名山有名山的灵。不识小山之秀，焉辨名山之灵；没有了比较和参照，各种风土文化不同的细微和奇妙之处，也就无法体会。无法体会细微奇妙之处，则小山名山皆同，能登能爬能上能下，如是而已。

与他人不同的，才叫特色。不认识不同之处，他人的特色从何谈起？自己的特色又在哪里？不珍自家玉，难识他家宝。

目标

每逢周末的休息日，总有一班人成群结党冲上云顶，赢了大鱼大肉，输了下周重返。实际上不论赢输下周重返是必定的，那是大家挥金散银的约定。这就是人到中年。奔波一周，所为何事,劳碌半生，志在何方。人生苦短，不花天酒地对不起时间，不声色犬马对不起自己。购物，或只为几张收据；旅游，或只为几张照片。他们立志逍遥，只可怜我暂时还找不到方向。大概日后应该竭尽所能赚钱，然后发挥一下创意，开马场、狗场、鸡场、鸭场，集四为一，取名四畜乐园，定能造福大众，让他们找到人生方向，享尽人生乐趣。若能成事，己立志，助人立志，功德不可谓不大。我确实应该好好考虑一下。

望

心吸一阵沉痛，唇呼一团长气，眼帘一群散云。我把心情托给天，天晓得我的郁闷。难解自卑感。若那距离像我与天之间，只直望已让我低头闭目。哪来通云梯？那天上的云，云间的蓝，蓝色的美，远得那么缥缈，永远。

随念

不盲目跟随，只理智敬佩 - 他人
不虚狂自转，不卑微公转 - 自己

做个独立的人，物质上，精神上。独立不是隔绝，独立与傀儡一样有躯体，一样与四周连成千丝万缕，不同的是傀儡少了灵活的头脑，完全受制于线条，不能拉扯收放。

妒忌之心人皆有，能疏能转不能绝。无妒有，少妒多，低妒高，丑妒美，穷妒富，庸妒能，人鲜有不妒他人，轻为羡，重为恨。对于别人的不满，源于对现状的不满，对自己的不满，源于欲望。空妒无益，没改变环境，没改善自己，妒因仍在，循环往复，徒伤神劳心。若能改变改善，转妒嫉为奋斗，化欲为进步，必有一日可成。若不能，疏妒嫉，减欲望，也可自得其乐，过个快乐人生。

寂寞如蔓草，无论地势高低平坦凹凸皆能蔓延，也不会因多了篱笆而停止蔓延。曲高者和寡，高处不胜寒；曲低者心空，难耐无烦嚣。既使知己相伴，也因离散生忧。天下无不散之筵席，有不完之离愁，仅一离字，牵出古今中外多少愁，皆因寂寞。人不能独居，因而生寂寞。寂寞，实是人生首个朋友，终生不离不弃。漠视它、害怕它、抛弃它都徒劳，认识它、接受它、欣赏他才明智。能和它做朋友的人，不愁和其他人做不成朋友。能享受寂寞的人，会享受热闹；能享受热闹的人，未必会享受寂寞。

Last day of work

Today is last day of internship. After returning all the stuffs, my mood is as shiny as the sunrays through the glass, my body is as light as louds beside the sun. 2 hours more, and that's the end of 5 month. This period has been a fruitful lesson and experience for me. It's as sweet as desserts that me and my colleagues eat during lunchtime, when I was praised for good work and quick hand, once for each. It's as spicy as the fish beehoon soup added with cili padi, sweats a lot and gets nervous when I spoilt caps, chips and power supply, and rushing for reports and logbooks.

Time flies. I woke up 5:30am and cook maggie mee for the first day, and delayed 10 minutes per day until optimum wake up time: 6:30am. That was about in the 2nd or 3rd week. Morning - sunrise - rain - bus - mrt - my paper - bun - bus - company - online - nap - lunch - slack - work - high tea - work - stay - collapse. Everything was becoming regular and scheduled, my body had automatically adjusted the biological clock accordingly.

Schedule was regular but things observed varied over period. Different employees with different work natures, different times to start work and leave company, different behaviours and working attitudes, different smiles and faces. Time was relative too, passed quickly when worked with concentration, crawled slowly when supervisor was not around and work has not been given.

I should feel very glad that I had a nice manager who always wears smile, a supervisor who always gives words of encouragement though he's too busy, a knowledgeable and helpful friend, a kind and intelligent senior colleague and other colleagues. I should feel glad that I was allocated at a quiet corner where I could do anything I wish without being observed by others. I should feel glad that I entered a company that provide computer and internet to employees, as I could always online. A quite relaxing environment, best for slacking! :) Too bad from another angle. I was just an average IA student, if I were to evaluate myself.

Now I go, here it stays.

自由的殿堂

难得自由民主的轻灵羽毛

经过启蒙精英的无私奋斗

摆脱皇室贵族的千年枷锁

终于飘落人间

却被视为神物

供奉在殿堂

虔诚的，每天在殿外跪拜

有时还激动到痛哭

冷感的，隔几年膜拜一回

往往已忘了要心诚

噢，自由的灵民主的魂

我一心一意追随你

我不顾一切信仰你

我痛哭流涕作祷告

为何你总是听不到

难道你终要抛弃我们这些虔诚的信众

难道我还不够虔诚

噢，自由的鬼民主的神

为何最近风不调雨不顺钱不够命很苦

准是我忘了拜你

这回我总算记得

还带了张票给你

请让我如愿以偿

保佑我

殿堂外黎民迷茫徘徊

殿堂内祭师议论纷纷

祭师是人们相信能和神灵沟通

能明了神的旨意的人

庄严肃穆的殿堂里

祭师各就各位

个案陆续提出

祭师各说各话

有赞同有反对有讽刺有戏瘧

有挑衅有争吵有起哄有瞎掰

偶尔还有最原始的暴力

待得尘嚣已静

神的旨意方定

噢，自由民主

你到底是灵是魂是鬼是神

是殿堂外还是殿堂内

还是仅仅是殿堂

几百年前的启示

已尘封入历史

遥远的使我抓不着

朦胧的让我看不透

如今殿堂开始残旧

启示还会再重现吗

城市的朋友

人们一直只说树木

是大自然之友

城市的绿肺

却没当过它是朋友

多么的可惜

你若肯敞开心胸和它结识

它会默默聆听你的心声

时而善解人意地摇曳树枝

时而落下树叶以表示同情

就像无形吸入二氧化碳

它会缓缓化解你的烦躁

少了它

少了南洋的热情

小小岛国只剩

冷冷玻璃反照

匆匆来回的脚步

滑浪

人生就如滑浪

在汹涌的人海中

在波涛的险恶里

一浪比一浪高

一浪比一浪无情

担惊受怕地被追赶

一个疏忽，一时得意

一个错判，一时误信

足以板反人没

要么沉没海底永无天日

要么卷入海浪随波逐流

至今仍在冲浪的

无论是靠勇气还是智慧

身上都闪闪发亮着

生命中难能可贵的单纯和美丽

烛光的祝福

前几天，在平静的雨夜吹熄了几根蜡烛。吹熄的前一刻，合眼的瞬间，帘入了温馨的烛光。开心的、郁闷的、微笑的、哭泣的、愤怒的、怨恨的，尽数从口中呼出；往逝的365天，随着淡灰的烛烟飘远，所有的得与失归零。

谢谢朋友的所有祝福，愿你们也一样愉快。若果有对不起的，让人不愉快的，希望你们会一笑置之。我不太会维系友谊，但愿还值得你们的珍惜，而我也一样会珍惜你们。

年岁一次一次增加，责任一担一担加重，力量一点一点累积，暂且徘徊一下，然后继续迈步前进。希望前方的阳光，让我有新的勇气踏出旧错的泥潭；希望迎面的微风，让我有好的心情舍弃曾有的不解。就这样在风云莫测的未来，继续高唱自己的心曲，幻变出真我的色彩。

但愿在新的一年里，心中不会燃起一刻的怨恨，而我会像流水般，静静地流过平地草原，缓缓地流过高山低谷，清清地反照生活的光彩。

Blog

Blog，继电邮、聊天信使后另一个网络的关键应用（killer application），音译为博客或部落格。博客，一个电脑白痴看了必会望文生义，以为是博取客人；实际上“客”是英文后缀 -er的音译，如其他泛滥成灾的后缀：性度化者，是翻译如雨后春笋般涌现的新词的万能符。博客似与骇客黑客闪客等一脉相承，而且把人（blogger）和物（blog）混为一谈，确实译得有些莫名其妙。部落格，一个社会学天才必会自以为是某个原始社会的风俗，画格围地，扎营为寨。一个如此时髦的东西居然被译得这么土，也让人不禁喷饭。更妙的是，有些人居然为两个音译孰优孰劣吵个不停。既然是音译，就难免失准，若嫌太怪太土，何必争吵，用意译就行，网络日志（网志）或个人空间都可以，若要不那么土的名字，大可用网舍。

开网舍、写网志、看网志可真是蔚然成风。免费供应空间的除了Google、Yahoo、MSN等环球大公司，各地博客/部落客各用所好，中国有新浪和博联、台湾有无名和天空、香港有Xanga、韩国有Cyworld、马新有blogspot和friendster。再看看博客群，可真是阵容强盛声势浩大。开博，有日本首相夫人为挽救丈夫名声、有泰国公主为呼吁国民提升英文水准、有马来西亚在野党强人为揭发弊端、有明星为透露难以通过传媒传达的心声、有你我为纪录和分享生活平凡的点滴、有公司为宣传、有人为赚钱，政客、名人、学者、卖脑力的、卖劳力的、卖产品的甚至卖肉体的，三教九流，莫不争先恐后加入潮流，让原已有五光十色的网络世界更多姿多彩。

此风如此强劲，并非空穴来风。大多数人致力于写网志的主要原因不外乎三个：抒发在现实世界中被压抑的情感或难以启齿的心事，与朋友交流联系，以及加强写作技巧。这些都是人类永恒的精神需求，不过现在换个新颖的方式追求而已。如果不计较形式，追溯起来，其实网志早已存在，几乎与网络同生，叫个人网站。在虚拟空间拥有个人网站，是每个刚接触网络的人的梦想。只不过那时候要创立个人网站，要付钱买网域，需要懂复杂的程序语言，要么花时间学，要么请资讯专才设计，可真让人打退堂鼓。现在可好啦，钱又不用付（有人还可以赚！），程序又不用懂，只要不是电脑白痴，张三李四都可以建网舍，只要按一下就可以写文章换背景加音乐，实在简单。如果我们只生活在这虚拟空间，杜工部泉下有知，大可放声长叹心愿终了。此种方便，不但圆了所有人的愿望，更进一步加速了资讯的传播，解除了某些资讯的封锁。只是这风要是吹得太盛，可真会把官帽给吹掉，让在比较多雾的地方当官的不安，怕掉了看不清怎么捡回来。

撇开谩骂造谣等因素不谈，开博，最好不要用真名实姓，一来不是名人，不需要让人知道真实世界里的身份，二来世人总是好奇八卦。据闻有人特意去查公司里同事的网志，结果探知许多荒谬事。据闻美国有公司在聘请职员前会去搜查当事人的网志，观其言察其行，以决定是否聘请他。如果这真的成为不成文的规则，尔虞我诈恐难免，网志可能沦为另一张虚假的面具。当然，如果你正直光明，不在人背后说人坏话，你自然不怕用真名；只是如果你只想有个空间发泄愤怒抒发情绪，只想让身边朋友而不是全世界知道你现实的身份，那倒不如用个优雅的笔名。当局如果真得怕造谣的负面影响，就让网民把真名提供给提供空间的服务公司，犯罪了才按名索人罢。

人生的斜坡

心情是矛盾的，想语言，想文化，想政治，想人生，想目标，想未来；就是没想工作，没想学业，没想娱乐。在盲目随便地赶report，赶logbook的时候，心都放纵地在思想的云朵中飘游浮荡。感觉上，不想做的东西越来越多，越来越明确；想做的东西却仍在朦胧中。早已做好迎接生活的准备，却还没找到生活的真谛，心里始终少了高瞻远瞩穿迷雾的智慧，少了从心所欲不逾矩的闲适。只是这样一直在学习、思考；又学习、又思考。

这次的工厂实习学到很多，不仅仅是专业上的、技术上的；更多的是待人处事上的、品人鉴事上的。跑出象牙塔外是好的，世界登时变宽阔，可以看到更多姿多彩的社会，望到更海阔天空的境界，感到更复杂多变的生活。老是盖着眼睛，是会生菌的。但把注意力分得太散，不算真正投入在工作中。有把工作带回家狂拼的忙碌期，也有在公司偷懒的悠闲期，而后者，显然多一些。若真要给自己评价，一个马马虎虎的B应该是恰如其分。我想，我是在给自己缓冲期，不想盲目地沉浸在工作里面，毕竟现在还没到拼搏的时候，可不能把自己那架机器搞生锈了。

交换留学，工作实习，加起来正好一年，正好是“折”的一年。逃离了宝塔一年，不久该是回去继续进修了。学习，可真不能让它掉链子。骑在人生的斜坡上，即便时间的疾风刺痛脸庞，仍得继续前进，还未到顶前决不能掉链子滚下山。同事的一席话把我带到时空列车，和过往的片断反向交接。从小到大，小学、初中、高中、大学，在每一段时间，你身边的朋友，是不是总有那么一两个因为偷个懒歇个息就再也提不起劲继续斜上？而至今你回头看还能否看到他们的踪影？他们或许连原地踏步的资格都没有了。沉重吗？这是现实，我们迟早要面对的。

相较之下，迟点毕业的朋友们就更快要面对这个现实了，一个除了工作和忙碌就是休息的生活。朋友慨叹这是他最后的两个星期假期，真讨厌以后要过的生活。要讨厌么？恐怕要讨厌一辈子了。躲在象牙塔里得过且过吃喝玩乐快活逍遥的日子能有多长？不过南柯一梦而已，好运的，梦长一点。梦醒了却以为现实才是梦，那可真是噩梦了。我们像虫子般活了这么多年，是不是也是时候该蜕变成蝴蝶了？总得懂飞翔懂找吃才能有生存的权力吧？工作忙碌休息，不过为了生存而已；而生存，却不是为了工作忙碌休息。懂得生存之后，再去探生活之道，找世界之美。

但这道这美，也不是随处可见，随手可得的；这么容易到手的又怎会是真的，人又怎会去珍惜？总得储蓄够了本钱，累积够了力量，一把熊熊的烈火突然在心中燃起，风驰电掣狂飙十万里路，方能突破困境，正如那位在华尔兹交易界打滚了无数年的老兄，突然气血倒流撒手不干，辗转十数行到厨房，才发觉自己喜欢炒菜，于是把炒金抛诸脑后。正是山重水复疑无路，柳暗花明又一村。有时候，生命需要的是一个恍然大悟，或者一次蓦然回首，又或者一回无心插柳。最重要的是，你还没滚下山，还没game over。

南下首月

时值马来西亚大选后，亦是大派糖果蜜糖等令人欢心暂时忘却苦楚的难得季节，STPM放榜4科全优的状元人数冲上新高，在获取成绩单后，这些考生都沉浸在快乐中，满心开怀地享用以两年辛勤的汗水灌溉后长出的甜美果实。面对累累的果实，学生快乐，家长快乐，师长快乐，学校快乐，社会快乐，政党快乐，全世界都快乐。

尽管固打制的存在始终让这些快乐的雏鸟担忧，尽管有八个可以选择飞翔的方向让它们有点心烦，但它们始终相信它们会像鸿雁一般，飞出万里辽阔。

在洞明水秀的山城里，正有这么一群鸟在各自盘旋着，想看清楚远方，而雨林和雨廷正是其中两只。突然间，有一只鸟提议向南飞，毕竟南边资源比较丰富。向南？懵懂的雨林从来没有想过，这两年的付出只为考进政府大学，避免进昂贵功利的私立大学。但既然被提醒了，也没有不去尝试的理由，于是跟随朋友把申请信向南寄去了。

过不久，雨林的朋友都收到奖学金面试的通知信，然后上网答复了。雨林也收到了，却总是登陆不到户口，心中暗自奇怪，怎么只我一人登陆不到？明明密码是生日日期，怎么可能会搞错？按耐不住火烧的焦急，雨林打去问个究竟，才懂原来不是天意弄人，而是人为疏忽，填错了生日日期。这等趣事？怎么连生日日期都会填错？懵懂的雨林往往有神来之疏忽。

但自此之后，疏忽不再来，雨林顺利通过面试，拿到了奖学金。而更聪敏的雨廷也拿到了。申请之前没有仔细考虑应否南下的雨林，这时多了一份挣扎。说去，就换一个新世界，命运难测；不去，就少一份奖学金，机会难得；怎么办？雨林问了问父母，他们都说：“去啊，拿到为什么不去，为什么不去挑战自己。何况，那里英文水准好。”看来，儿子的英文水准差劲始终是雨林父母的隐忧。实际上，雨林对自己的英文水平也确实没信心，带着半桶水南下万一倒翻了可真是覆水难收。但，如果呆在国内，半桶水也迟早干枯，难不成想一辈子都不上不下？机会毕竟难得，于是雨林最后决定南下，而雨廷亦如此。

但并非所有的人都如此决定。雨林的其中一位同学也拿到奖学金，在经历同样的挣扎后，做出不同的决定。他断定自己不能适应新加坡的生活。生命，原来已到分飞的季节！于是彼此只好互相祝福。但除了祝福，朋友竟留下激慨偏颇的话语：去给新加坡的狗崽子看马来西亚人有多强！犹如一只猛棒敲响了雨林疑惑的鼓，隆隆不断，怎么这么诡异？要是对新加坡的成见早已这么深，又何必去申请？申请成功后又何必挣扎？人，做了艰难决定后，为何要全盘否定之前的挣扎，以显示决定之绝对正确？朋友可能的一时之快，溅起了雨林的圈圈涟漪。毕竟，此话出自拿到奖学金的人之口。

在决定方向后不久，雨廷突然和雨林提起想早一个月过去新加坡看看，就住在他堂姐的朋友的组屋。懵懂的雨林没有假设过，本来还想懒洋洋躺在家悠闲过日子，乍听之下心情略为波动，思考之后认为确实应该，跟父母提应该没问题，反正提早去适应环境是大道理。素来在处理事情上拥有很大自主空间，通常可以先斩后奏的雨林于是略略和父母提起，果然得到他们的赞同和嘉许。尽管他们表情没有多大变动，但内心还是有一点担忧，担心儿子的英文程度，担心儿子吃惯怡保美食在外不能适应。

终于，在2004年6月12日，雨林雨廷乘坐舒服的草原快车，经过八小时，穿过四个州，来到了新加坡兀兰关卡。继小学六年级毕业旅行后，时隔八年，他们再次南下，来到新加坡。Welcome to Singapore！Brand new life! 但好运似乎不太欢迎他们。第一次自己出外国，看到巴士上的人一停车就直个儿急下车拿行李快步走，毫不拖泥带水，雨林雨廷的心思步伐登时受疾速的磁场影响。可怜雨廷软弱的行李把手经不起考验，猛扯之下，断了！原来它的生命竟如此脆弱，刚抵步就遭遇不幸，落地落难，悲哀悲哀。

于是原本轻巧的行李顿时变沉重，轮子也被压擦得哗啦哗啦。拖拉辗转，终于去到目的地-大巴窑，那里住着雨廷堂姐的朋友-安哥波(Bob)。安哥波看起来大约三十岁，像一般中年人一样，都已开始累计福气，是位夜间德士司机。就这样，他们住进了以清一色和小玲珑闻名的组屋。 放下行李后，他们随即坐循环线巴士，出到大巴窑中心。话说那里可真是个好地方，商业购物体育娱乐消遣文艺交通来往吃喝玩乐-全集中在一起，室内还装冷气，真可让雨林睁大了青蛙眼，毕竟他在马来西亚从没看过如此方便的社区。后来他才知道原来这类社区也是在新加坡首创，怎么横竖都是孤陋寡闻呢？

他们在二楼的大众书局翻阅比较，买了本地图和巴士路程表。听说以后有学生证后申请固定线路比较划算，所以暂时按钱不出，靠着雨廷堂姐给的Hi-card与外界联系。雨林晚上打电话回家，母亲略带担忧的口气询问生活如何，新环境能否适应，雨林直说没问题，那里交通很发达，到处都是指示牌，想去那里就那里，只要有本好地图，横行天下没问题。让父母安心下来后，就匆匆盖下电话。组屋内有点狭窄，客厅厨房厕所和两间房，就在一个方格，只是不懂是四方还是长方。雨林和雨廷合睡一间房，虽然是新环境新房间新枕头，却不觉不舒适，这些外界因素对一个和睡神结拜的人来说毫无影响，失眠幽灵只好徘徊在房门外无处可归。

隔天，买了张易通卡，乘搭巴士，雨林上车后看到类似泊车的老虎机的阅卡器，于是对着字幕把卡拍下去。一拍，没反应，略惊；二拍，没反应，羞愧；三拍，还是没反应，急慌。就在司机就快开口提醒或说教或取笑或怒吼前，电光火石的一刻，机警精灵终于闪现，稍微一拨，把雨林的眼光往下移，把雨林的卡拍在两弯不知所谓的胡子，嘟嘟，胡子老爷发出两声轻快的笑。呼呼，有幸避免引起哄动，雨林暗叹原来横行天下还有点难，惶诚惶恐，不易不易。

到步后的自由行第一站，去哪？自然要去市中心，因为那就是新加坡的“首都”。他们先在恢宏的新达城逛，跟着财富喷泉的指示牌走，却走去迷宫，找不到财富，反倒买了面包和酱。过后再根据地图去找国家图书馆，却走去另一个迷宫，直至发现地图上有U/C二字才醒悟，心想怎么偌大一个国家现在才开始建国家图书馆呢？奇怪。 路经Seah Street，按照粤语发音像蛇街，暗自偷笑。沿着Brah Basah走，看到一幢不算太高的白楼，嵌着鲜红的三个字：百胜楼，读起来有点像Brah Basah的翻译，真妙。Brah Basah，猜想应该是什么市集，进到去才发觉书局、二手书店、文具店、影音录像店林立，才懂原来“百胜”与书有关，却怎么也想不起来关联在哪里。

这一发现对雨林雨廷来说可真是无心撑船，荡进桃源。他们走进了上海书局，翻了翻书，看到书架上的标志写“1RMB = 0.4SGD”。“0.4乘2.2=0.88，不得了不得了，还以为人民币与马币1对1已经是比较便宜，只有在吉隆坡的上海、学林等书局才找到，大众书局都用标签黏盖原有的价钱，没想到在这里买中国书居然还便宜！”雨林惊奇地嘀咕道，雨廷也觉得有点不可思议，毕竟在他们的印象中，新加坡不是这样滴呢。。。逛了一回，肚子打鼓，于是在里面的美食阁吃。雨林叫了前所未闻的肉挫面，第一次尝到香菇肉碎鱼丸与面搭配的美味，觉得兴奋不已：“比起购物中心的食阁，这里的食物好像很不错！” 吃完后天色已不早，于是他们便回“家”去了。

时值欧洲足球锦标赛，雨林通过第五频道看了序幕战，心想这次赚大了，在家里可能没得看，现在免费直播，打死不会错过这四年一度的盛事。第二场赛事进行时，雨林在电视机前频密换台却始终看不到半粒球的影子，才震惊获知原来免费直播的场数有限，序幕给看，小组赛就没了。正如打扮好一出门下雨，扫兴呀！正如玩游戏到一半卡机，没趣呀！雨林想起了应该在那里工作的学兄，打通电话过去，通了，而且家里有安装有线电视可以看足球，爽啊！于是他们去到金文泰的地标 – 24小时通宵营业的麦当劳店和学兄见面，并在他的带路下去到他的住所。警卫，公寓，冷气，宽厅，怎么一切都和组屋的不同？雨林暗自心寒，新加坡不是只有组屋吗？在他的印象中，新加坡不是这样滴呢。。。享受了精彩的球赛，躺睡了舒服的沙发，他们便在隔天早晨离开。

但球赛有这么多场，可不能一直这样看啊，一来打扰别人生活，二来交通费不便宜。于是雨林猜想组屋附近一定有“嘛嘛克”档(mamak)，雨廷不以为然，认为这里没有什么夜生活；但雨林不管，为了心爱的足球赛，决定在黄昏后出去寻找。经过一间两间三间茶餐室，居然人影全无，疯了疯了，怎么这地方没有人在外面看足球赛？失望地拖着疲累的脚步走，却没有方向，绕了一个大圈，却走回有点熟悉的楼。郁闷的雨林依然固执己见，不想推翻自己的猜想，不到嘛嘛心不死，不看球赛誓不回。于是转去另一个方向，盲无方向地寻找。经过灯光照得通明却没有人影的室内高尔夫球场，看到忙于整理菜却没有照明灯的批发商，越过许多沉寂的商店和楼宇，躲开许多企图不明的野狗，在月光和灯光的庇护下，终于，他找到了希望。

一架比家里还小的电视机，几个人疏疏散散地坐着着。希望是找到了，却没有原先想象的“嘛嘛克”档的气氛。也罢，反正只是看球，于是雨林随便坐下，安哥来问叫茶，雨林不好意思先问价钱，又怕给安哥看出非本地人被砍菜头，犹疑了两秒随口叫了杯咖啡，等到收钱时故意给两元纸币，结果找回来块三。顿时心口放下一块大石，轻松自在，咖啡比蜜糖还甜。环绕四周，发现依稀还有一些老人在各处角落打牌玩棋，想必一定是晚上睡不着没消遣出来聚会一下。“原来，这里还是有人玩象棋的”雨林嘀咕道。

看完球赛，雨林心满意足，大步流星踏回家，好像要接近拂晓了，开门进屋，发现驾夜车的安哥还没回来，于是甜美地找周公约会去。隔天雨林得意洋洋地和雨廷描述所见所想，而雨廷也只好敷衍一下。但后来，雨林再也没有去外面看球赛了，不是因为那寂寥的氛围，而是因为安哥在雨廷和他说雨林的得意史后，赶紧在星频有线电视中加了体育这频道。“新加坡，也不是你们想象中这么安全的，小心一点。”这一次，雨林雨廷都一起感到惊奇了，印象中新加坡不是这样滴呢。。。

看到安哥的厨具齐全，为了省点钱，雨林雨廷便开始自己煮点简单的菜过日子。精打细算的雨廷选了一包便宜又亮白的米，再加一些菜肉，两人就回家开始真正自力更生的生活。深思熟虑的雨廷没有犯上初学煲饭者的错误，水的分量没有过多，煲饭的弹簧没有忘记按。雨林炒好菜，雨廷摆好碟，要正式开餐了，闻到饭煲里阵阵飘上的饭香，满心期待。于是煲盖一开，饭炳一掏，黏的？奇怪，明明没有放过量的水，怎么回事？糯、糯、糯、糯米！不是米吗？怎么是糯米？不不，糯米也是米，可是怎么是糯米？沉静。百思。谜底：Glutinous Rice。原来栽在英文手上，非笨之罪，呜呼哀哉。于是雨林雨廷往后就过着柬埔寨人的生活，以糯米为主食，配以菜肉，直到终于发觉始终不适合过柬埔寨人的生活，才买罐加央酱，涂在捏成的糯米饭团上吃，却也挺好吃。

其中最让雨林爽快的一餐，是用安哥藏在冰箱里的辣椒酱和江鱼仔，炒了一锅马来风光，不但在过程中把安哥的厨房搞得烟雾弥漫，更让雨廷尝到了何谓变态辣的滋味，搞怪无害，痛快痛快。其实也太算恶搞，蕹菜毕竟要热要辣才好吃，至于过辣与否，每个人有自己的舌头，实在难有标准。雨林自小受良好的厨房教育，从父亲处传承了大锅菜一锅炒的简便特色，对菜的分量和火候拿捏较好，却不注重款式，管他好看难看，吃下去好味就好。而雨廷尽管背景稍微逊色，却因其一贯的细心和耐性，每每肯多花巧思去煮，说起来更具厨师的天赋。

在这段期间，雨林雨廷分别去了牛车水，乌节路，科学馆，博物馆，福康宁公园，南洋理工大学，跑到一岸之隔的马来西亚科技大学探朋友，顺便重新盖章，更新二十四天的停留期限。在电车上或巴士上，雨林都会趁人少时把告示的英文隐秘地抄在555小簿子上。他觉得这是快速提升英文的一个办法，但是雨廷忧心地道：“我们的英文这么烂，不是一朝一日就可以加强的。”雨林也认同提升并非一日之功，但不减从生活里简单实例中学习的兴趣。只要肯走，条条大路通罗马。

没有出街的日子，不在街上的时间，他们在屋里看球，看电影，看书，看报纸。在一次机缘巧合之下，雨林发觉“The New Paper”这份报纸报道足球锦标赛篇幅多，内容多，搞趣多；于是就每天早晨去附近的印度杂货店买回来看。里面对球员行为的描画别开生面，让雨林喜不胜收；里面应用的英文俚语生动有趣，让雨林查不胜查。尤其是描画明星球员贝克坎姆几度射失点球的大头漫画，更是让他乐开怀。后来因为组屋附近开始施工，每天早晨翻天覆地的钻墙声，让雨林雨廷的耳膜受不了，就干脆选择呆在大巴窑中心的图书馆内念书。好奇心重而喜欢分散阅读的雨林总是在科技历史语言的书中乱翻一通；专注力强而喜欢认真阅读的雨廷则在提前准备自己的专科。有一次，雨廷和雨林提起最近有点累，雨林不假思索反应道：“你看书那么认真，不累才假啦！”雨廷似乎觉得有点道理。

于是这样的日子一直持续到大学开学为止。当他们进了大学，被关进象牙塔后，念书、团体、聚会、休闲、娱乐、考试等各自分裂时间，尽管蠢事笨事还是一大堆，但再也没有当时的闲时闲情，胡乱走走到处看。人都是从愚笨中走来，从错误中学习，不破不立，扫扫睫毛眼睛更雪亮，扫扫成见心胸更宽大。每次想起当时的傻人傻事，雨林都会忍不住摇头偷笑；这些快乐的往事宛如柚子茶，让人温暖窝心。

而在不久的一年后，分飞的季节将会再度来临。而这，将会是最后的分飞，羽翼已丰的鸟儿，将会各自展翅飞上高空，适应高空的稀薄，体验天气的阴晴，忍受分飞的孤独，享受飞翔的自由，俯瞰大地的沧海桑田，飞出各自的万里辽阔。

老陈

老陈，老陈，陈即旧，旧即老，一字不够还要重叠，到底要形容什么呢？我想老师如果听到必定会骂：“你这大逆不道的顽童！居然敢直呼老师的姓？还要加个老？”幸好我毕业了，老陈也不会听见。想了一想，学生哪曾不给老师取花名（绰号）？不曾给老师取花名的哪叫学生？不过年少贪玩，与尊师重道与否无关，只要不是当面取笑就好。 老陈，前头秃，额骨显，马尾发，四方镜，是学校里德高望重的华语老师。不懂他教华语多久了，只知他教我时还差几年就退休。说话有点慢但字正腔圆，蛮有抑扬顿挫的感觉，尤其一声长而有序的咳声，总是划破一片肃静。他那带点古味的教书方式，配以现代高明的催眠法，总是能让班上同学一应俱倒，倒成满山萎靡的小草。或许也因为语法课有点闷吧，又或许大家的兴趣有点薄吧。

对正规的课文没有留下多大的影像，反倒记得他有时兴来提起的，中华文化的一些内容。有一次他会问墨子的中心思想是什么，但没给我们时间，不等我们反应过来就自答：兼爱。有一次他问唐朝诗人失意时会去哪隐居？答中的期末考试加五分！和我自小同对中华文化感兴趣的霆辉迅速答道终南山，没想到少少的惊讶居然在老陈的脸浮现，看来他似乎并不指望班上有人懂。而那五分，也没被当一回事，不了了之。有次他说“历来乱世时以法的严厉来治国，开国时以道的无为来恢复，盛世时以儒的礼教来统治。”但又点到为止。

他曾经自豪地宣称：谁认识读大学先修班华文而要补习的，可以去找他，他预测考试题目神准。没有人怀疑，毕竟他功力深厚；但也没有人认识谁，所以也与我们无关。现今时代，还有谁会去进大学先修班的华文班，去背那生涩难懂的文学呢？这是他的悲哀，是将来长大后我们的悲哀，是整个社会的悲哀。

老陈的名号其实真得很贴切，因为总能在他身上感到暮气沉沉。时不时，他都会投下炸弹告诫我们：这个年代，去当什么都好，就是别当国中的华文教师。这是英雄无用武之地的愤慨？这是时不我予不得志的抑郁？还是？难以揣测。我若是也活到他那把年纪，天晓得我的心境会有什么改变？就算是现在暮气沉沉，我也不得不佩服当年他曾拿出的勇气；而尽管他劝诫我们别投身，他内心可曾后悔过，无人懂。人生走过的道路，是对是错，后不后悔，都只有自己能判断。 至少，在我心中留下印象的，是他；而不是其他一些滥竽充数，捉襟见肘，见少识薄的老师。

搭车杂记

2007-05-10: 电车
一跨进车厢就被拉到
现代混合摇滚的现场
短促尖声的对话
高谈阔论的哄笑
配以
繁多的铃声
耳筒的轰炸

不会欣赏摇滚的我
幸好还能留意到
电车的声音是短程接力赛跑
关门时嘟嘟
开动时呜呜
加速时嚯嚯
摇晃时呱呱
均速时呼呼
尽管弦律总被噪杂掩盖
仍然不断重复练习

日新的摇滚曲目
越听越烦躁
单调的电车弦律
只觉听不厌
于是
人与人之间愈是陌生
细腻的感情
都托给单纯的电车

2007-05-10: 搭错车
在人生的旅程
迷糊地搭错车
不但要花力气走回头再搭过
还挽不回错误中丢失的时间
只是车号那么多
哪个才对？

2007-05-10: 雨中的车
雨中的车从远处驶来
由高速运转的四大轮胎开路
把静滞的泥水扫溅出外
又挟风雨而绝去
路上只剩泥泞
看！这就是全球化的威势！

2007-05-16: 黏门鱼
电车里那么多人出来
空间却没有增加
只许我站在悬崖边
漠然地看着里面的人
里面的人更漠然地看着我
找寻不到答案
罢！
转头摆尾黏着刚关好的门
像鱼一样在有限的空间寻找自由

火灾

一把火在心中烧过，就这样留下焦黑的迹，花几天清扫也扫不净。即便混乱如滚滚大烟般飘远，灰烬仍散在四周，宁静多了一点凄愁，智慧碎碎地被埋着。我带着冷漠闪过地狱，几近与恶魔邂逅。力量增大了点？方向明确了点？担子沉重了点？叹气长了点？滴滴答答，多想就这样听着手表的催眠曲暂时沉睡。醒来。方向的确明朗了点，但对于回头的反方向仍有想要尝试的依依不舍。扫扫睫毛眼睛更雪亮，扫扫成见心胸更宽大；但热情似乎有限，或许我会尝试变得更冷峻一点。

母亲节

      “母亲节快乐。”

      “噢，我都忘记佐。其实，日日都系母亲节。”

       怎么母亲说话有梁静茹的味道？哈哈。十几年来第一次和母亲说母亲节快乐，另外一次好像是在小学时折过一颗心。

 

       “煮多点菜吃？”

       “两个人吃得几多，等你返来才煮多点。”

       “等我回来都父亲节了。”

       “到时正出去啦。”

 

       是我的家庭传统含蓄，还是我传统含蓄，还是我们都传统含蓄，我已不自知，只在共同感受那份平淡、恬静、闲适。

 

      “香港中文大学寄来唔知乜学习英文的信。”

      “这么奇怪？不懂是什么回事。”

      “我去揾一揾，爸爸同你倾哈啦。”

 

      “俊霖啊，最近点啊？”

      “差不多咯。”

      “吃佐饭？”

      “而家甘早，没吃饭啦，哈哈。”

      “做工做成点？”

      “还好啦，写着report咯，不是很忙，老板下星期返中国。”

      “老板是中国人？”

      “尔，老板是指带我的工程师，上面当然还有manager，还有其他engineer。”

      “最紧要记得学习。几时返来？”

      “6月8号还是9号吧，到时才定。”

      “9号夜车，10号到啦，返来tao一个礼拜，跟住返出去啦。”

      “噢，假期有拿课读书。”

      “假期自修好，唔好浪费晒时间，呢四年好重要，好好”

      “哈，不是自修，有老师教的。”

      “哦，系甘啦，卑返妈妈同你讲，拜拜啦？”

      “哦，拜拜。”

 

      “揾到啦，系什么谢谢什么学习英文甚么青衣。。。”

      “哦，青衣，那时我在香港教小学生读书的啦，但是教华文，不是叫英文。”

      “是啊，呢度写学习英文什么”

      “就是咯，我也不懂，应该是搞错了，他们有请教中文，也有请教英文的。没想到他们还会寄张东西过来，令我意外。”

      “收住当留念啦，唔错的留念。要去煮菜咯，唔同你倾啦？”

      “哦，母亲节快乐啦。”

      希望你也收住我的祝福当留念。

 

      只不过，工作学习又怎会烦扰我？

      风飘过，我的方向在哪？

火滚

      火滚！十年如一日，依旧是乱，国家无一刻有为。

      气毙！十年如一日，依旧是慌，个人无一刻能有为。

      倒啦，穿啦，以天文数字建造，外表金碧辉煌的布城，内部塌板漏水噼里啪啦地倒啦，穿啦。

      火了，火了，温和的首相难得发火了：“我都不知道他们在做什么？”

      好好先生居然发火，不由得脱帽致敬。自上而下，对于你手下的部长，副部长，政务次长，同志官僚，裙带承包商居然偷吃不抹嘴，以最愚笨的方式显露“背地里”狰狞的吞钱样，我深为同情。若不是你有先见之明严管媒体，恐怕坐椅会有一点难以忍受的动摇。没有被人民监督彻查揭发讨伐的后顾之忧，才能好好教育下属为官的精明之道--当以永续发展为前提，切勿涸泽而渔，焚林而猎，最好就是温水煮蛙偷搜偷刮。

 

      可惜如此愤激之语又有何用？黑暗，知道越多越痛苦。很想找一些国家的曙光，翻来覆去找寻文章，可惜徒劳。赞美都来自丁春秋徒弟之流，批判都来自落魄梁山的非法豪杰。2007既不是武侠年代，也不是封建古代，到底是一个什么年代啊？神伤，无奈狠下重笔，以慰籍疲累的心灵。

 

      朋党政治，任人唯亲，官官相护，滥权腐败，贪污垄断；
      种族政治，煽情挑衅，分化种族，误民愚民，统一思想；
      蜜糖政治，操控选举，滥划选区，诱骗选票，制造幽灵；

 

      破坏民主，腐化国会，偷换宪法，凌驾司法，滥用执法；
      恶法横行，打压自由，践踏人权，严控媒体，掩盖乱象；
      好大喜功，虚造繁荣，教育落后，治安败坏，人才外流。

      迟点好像要大选，经霆辉提醒记得注册为选民。对哦，我已23岁了。选举，我又能做什么呢？唯一能保证的是，直至把国阵拉下马来，我铁定不会投它，不是说反对党就是天使，而是不能继续让国阵作魔鬼。1957-2007，刚好50年，一个统治了国家50年，不曾被替换的的政党，不能不令你佩服。世界上没有一个民主国家有过如此的奇迹，有过如此完美的政党，此等的Malaysia Boleh如何能不让人叫好，简直可以被列入Guiness' World Record。

 

      有人说过：30岁之前不投反对党的人没良心；30岁之后不投国阵的人是笨蛋；趁我还没被熏陶成笨蛋前，暂时秀一秀我年轻的良心吧。

随想

累的时候容易涌现很多想法，尤其是负面的；但是不累的时候，想法总是稀有得可怜。随想。

当车灯从身后照来，我那长长的双腿已化成灰暗的两条长线，被淡黄的光线环绕着，向无尽头处延展。这就是我以后要走的人生，前途充满一片迷茫，尽管前面依稀有光，但路是灰暗的，是迷蒙的，直到我真正向前踏下另一步时，我才懂得地面究竟是平坦的，还是藏有窟窿的。时间就如身后强烈的灯光，不断催促我盲目地向前走，丝毫不给我喘息。唯有当着灯光不再，那灰暗的前路才会消失；但那时候，意即时间停滞，我也不复存在。社会就如环绕的光线，四处皆是光明却唯独我的前路是灰暗，表面显得如此平静，却让我无时无刻感受到被包围的压力。

于是我犹疑，只好止步不前。但一切，也没有变化。如果我能不受引力的牵引，如果我接受恶魔给与我翅膀离地的诱惑，我就可以脱离这个困境。可惜一者客观上不可能，一者主观上不可能。于是我犹疑，无奈向前跨进。走了好久，依然没有变化，唯一的感觉就是两脚还是紧贴着地。于是醒悟，该去意识的是此刻还走着，而不是下秒走去哪。于是继续再走，过了很久，发现就是身后光的强度有变化。于是醒悟，不是用脚单纯地前进，而是用心仔细地感受时间的快慢。于是继续再走，过了很久，发现环绕的光线逐渐暗淡。于是醒悟，指引方向的，不是周遭的光线，而是内心的光明。

Misconception

Recently my thought have been deeply occupied with the word "MISCONCEPTION" , emerged when I was confused over some characteristic of capacitor. I have found a website that explains a lot of other misconceptions about electronics, and surprisingly, I was struck immediately by its reasoning in such a fashion that I quickly threw away my original concepts which are wrong!

Those explanations are not great discoveries but arguments over words used and potential confusions caused by that. Of course science is not word, but it's convey through language. We may get the correct understanding at first, but eventually it may be eroded by theh repetition of usage of improper words.

Let's have few examples:

i) Current flow to, Current flow from, bla bla bla. It's universally known that current == flow rate of charge, so how could a flow rate flows? By using this phrase again and again, one fine day we may finally incline to think that there's such substance call current flow through the circuit. Similar concept applies to power flow.

ii) Charge up the capacitor, discharge the capacitor. By these words, we may possibly imagine that charge up == some charges flow in cap and stored inside, and discharge == charges fade away from cap. But think of this, a neutral caa has as muc charge as a "charged" cap. The multiple meanings of a word may create confusion here. "Charge up“ = break charge neutrality and impose a imbalance between plates.

iii) What is electricity? You can spot electricity in many places, which could mean a range of meanings. But tracing it back to person who started to use this word, electricty means charge.

I think I couldn't explain better than original site do. And though its informality and unpopulated view did make me doubt its correctness, its reasoning made me first doubt what I've learnt. In some way I think it really help me to get a better basic understanding or alas, reinforce what I know before.

http://amasci.com/ele-edu.html

And it triggered me to continue to search for misconceptions in other areas. By human nature, we tend to take things for granted. We are more inclined to think that we are surrounded by "truth" and having pleasure in believing it, not willing to open our eyes until we suddenly realized that we are as stupid as monkey.

MISCONCEPTION about Evolution: http://www.talkorigins.org/faqs/faq-misconceptions.html

MISCONCEPTION about Astronomy: http://www.astronomy.org/astronomy-survival/misconcp.html

MISCONCEPTION about HIV & AIDS: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HIV_and_AIDS_misconceptions

MISCONCEPTION about Sex: http://www.nebilove.net/overcoming%20common%20misconceptions%20about%20sex.htm

MISCONCEPTION about Islam: http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/notislam/misconceptions.html

Suddenly was overwhelmed by the contradictions in "facts" and belief. Of course ideas aren't necassary wrong if it's been labelled misconception, and not necessary right if misconception is lablled against opposite ones, the word "misconception" alarms me to shake off my predominant thoughts. I may end up in the endless struggle of defining which one is real misconception if my reasoning is not strong, but throughout the thinking process, I believe that my eyes could only get clearer bit by bit. Suddenly thought of demystification of powers, society bla bla bla, sociological lessons learnt when I was exchanged to CUHK. It excites me so much to have thrown away so many wrong concepts, yet it hurts me so much to swallow so many "hard" facts.

AFter round and round of exposures, I guess now I tend to believe there is more falsehood than truth, due to both external and internal factors. Who believes intuitively that heavier object fall as fast as lighter object? Hence I shouldn't take truth to be granted, to believe that it could be easily obtained. Somemore outside Science, truth may not exist but misconceptions roam for certain. Perhaps I should learn things by getting to know misconceptions and common pitfalls first. Ignorance is not bliss. One day I shall pay the price for being ignorant.

And, before you read on misconception about something, know the definition of it first.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misconception

Misconception = A concept that is objectively false but it's believed by a person.

A funny FACT is that:

Misrepresentation of a concept is not a misconception but may produce a misconception. Some purposely use misrepresentation to produce these misconceptions to achieve goals, like politicians. ^_^

朋友

打transcriping打到有点头晕脑涨，休息了一下，刚想要去睡的时候有个很久没聊天的朋友MSN我，于是赶走了睡意聊了一会。或许是深夜宁静的气氛触动了夜猫子的神经，或许是那罐啤酒（懒惰下楼去装水+ 放在那很久没喝）的酒精作祟，睡意也暂时搁置了。如此难得的夜晚，我倒不该就如此躺下去浪费掉得对吧？（但实际上是在浪费时间吧，还有transcription的手尾，IA report等等等，等着我去做。。。）

 

      首先抽空去看了看朋友们的Blogs，然后再回到自己的。对于朋友这个词，你会联想起什么？小学到中学的老朋友、大学各式各样的朋友、交换留学认识的朋友、笔友等，当你逐一逐一去画回他们的脸，记回共同的事，八卦一些近况，你会联想起什么？我是一个很喜欢收藏过去的人，所以才会曾经写下“朋友不会永远相聚在一起，但会永远记得相聚那一刻”，至今仍然很喜欢这句子。记得有朋友轻松地和我说过：哈哈，朋友嘛，无论多久没见面，都不会生疏地啦。他是生活比较随意，很喜欢和人谈话的人。有个朋友认为，只要曾经是朋友，就会当成一世的朋友。他是很喜欢和人谈话的人。也有个朋友，会把‘朋友’区分为‘朋友’和‘认识’，即便是曾经很亲密的朋友，如果真得过了一段很久的时间，也会把他从‘朋友’区中挪去‘认识’区。但他也是一个很喜欢和人谈话的人。你，心中对朋友的想法，又是怎么样的呢？

 

      个人觉得，朋友之间维系靠感觉，每一段联系都会因为不同的事、物、人交杂酝酿出一种独特的感觉。当你和很久没见的朋友联系时，你第一个寻找的或许就是那份对你而言熟悉的感觉，尽管彼此的容貌、经历、想法或许都已变，但彼此的交谈、举止、态度仿佛还是会牵引回去像以往一般，那分熟悉的感觉。当然，这感觉不一定都是令人如沐春风的，正如酒的品质也会因酝酿的过程和时间而有优劣之分。单凭谈话和简单的举止就可以洞悉彼此心中想法的，自然是上等佳酿；交谈和相处愉快，未必懂得彼此想法但仍会迁就包容的，自然也是好酒；交谈限于某种课题的，或出于保守、或出于懒惰、或出于忙碌等，尽管不是佳酿，好歹也是一瓶啤酒，兴来时喝还算爽快；至于联系只在于见面打招呼，Hi-bye只为大家还依稀记得彼此的脸孔的，就只好列为劣酒了。

 

      但很多时候，决定这个区别的，决定这个酝酿过程的，是彼此交集时的第一印象和后续交谈。倘若已经设定好了在一个酒槽里，能否转换就要看彼此的意愿了。有的人欢迎，有的人乐意，有的人懒惰，有的人抗拒。

 

      不会害怕去结交朋友，也不会主动把朋友降级，但总是很难升级，或许是因为在交谈课题上，比较厉害自我设限，也比较倾向于聆听吧~

 

      但，无论怎么样，还是这句话吧“朋友不会永远相聚在一起，但会永远记得相聚那一刻”。

 

      就把三首都是那么动人的“朋友”送给所有的朋友吧！终于可以睡觉了，刚刚下了夜雨，气候凉爽，应该很好睡，但可怜我的衣服又要湿淋淋地被冷风吹虐了。

 

    谭咏麟

    繁星流動　和你同路
    從不相識開始心接近
    默默以真摯待人

    ＃人生如夢　朋友如霧
    難得知心幾經風暴
    為著我不退半步　正是你

   ＋遙遙晚空點點星光息息相關
    你我那怕荊棘鋪滿路
    替我解開心中的孤單　是誰明白我
    情同兩手一起開心一起悲傷
    彼此分擔總不分我或你
    你為了我　我為了你
    共赴患難絕裡　緊握你手　朋友

   

    周华健

 

    这些年 一个人   
    风也过 雨也走   
    有过泪 有过错   
    还记得坚持甚麽  

    真爱过 才会懂   
    会寂寞 会回首   
    终有梦 终有你 在心中   

    朋友一生一起走   
    那些日子不再有   
    一句话 一辈子   
    一生情 一杯酒   

    朋友 不曾孤单过   
    一声朋友 你会懂   
    还有伤 还有痛   
    还要走 还有我  

 

    无印良品

 

    谁能够划船不用桨
    谁能够扬帆没有风向
    谁能够离开好朋友
    没有感伤
    我可以划船不用桨
    我可以扬帆没有风向
    但是朋友啊
    当你离我远去
    我却不能不感伤

废话

口头上说废话的能力远比国兴逊色，我更擅长乱作文章，在字里行间信口开河。正因为尚在象牙塔内，所以总是有此闲情（同义：无聊）去乱吐象牙。实际上这不过是一种消遣，有时稍微有些意义，当更多时在互相矛盾；有时作为情绪抒发，但更多为把自己当成一个主题，又捧又辱又赞又弹，盖现实中不该常以自己为中心，所以总得有个空间是属于自己的，以自我为中心。缺点是自说自话极可能陷入精神崩溃，优点是舞文弄笔即使是废话连篇也会运用到文字。

冷酷

有时候觉得自己内心有着极其残忍冷酷的一面。

证据一：不花钱买气受。如果经济菜饭的Aunty夹菜时很吝啬，明明夹了八条还硬生生在我面前把两条放回去，我从此再也不会“帮衬”。如果煮炒的Aunty服务态度嚣张，脸比乞丐还臭却自以为不可一世高高在上唯我独尊，我从此再也不会“帮衬”。我会以拒绝光顾，恶毒诅咒和散播谣言尝试去减少档主的生意，让他越早关门大吉越好。因为我相信，他没有存活在商业世界里的原因和价值。

证据二：为小事偏激固执。实际上通常不过是一件极其为普通或不起眼的小事，但可能在我心里却位置极重。譬如说：在地铁站内带着耳筒听歌的人，内心非常慷慨，冒着手机电量快速耗尽的危险，冒着小小耳膜承受高分贝轰炸随时失效的危险，总想和全车上的人分享其所好，通常是摇滚之类的。他们不是可怜得耳筒坏了两百年没钱去换一个新的，而是可怜别人没有音乐听，漫长旅途中甚是无聊，所以善心大发不吝分享。可惜我不能领会这些人的好意，总是以怨报德，每一次遇上他们的时候，心里总是得默默地诅咒他们千百轮，因为我觉得在这回事上众乐乐不如独乐乐，我心里有自己的弦律要聆听，没有空间去容纳和欣赏别的。而我实在想也想不明白，把声量调低有这么困难么？

证据三：幼稚淘气。小孩子要玩就玩，要闹就闹，完全是随心随意的。很多时候我觉得我心里还有孩童那份稚气，总是要做就做，要停就停，老实说对其他人来说是很残忍的，因为他们的意见、感受就会被完全搁置，忽略和罔顾。虽然这种事情发生的机率比较小，但我知道我是有可能达致绝对残忍，绝情冷酷，连回望同情的眼神也吝于施。。。但愿这种事不会再发生第三次，在中学我已经结了两个希望从此不会再碰面的仇人。

寓言

看过的寓言不多，但有一则觉得很有意思，看过以后就永藏在心。

话说从前，有一个小孩很喜欢到海边玩，结识了一只海鸥，彼此都玩得很开心，快乐的时光就这样一只维持。小孩的父亲看到小孩和海鸥的关系这么好，就欺骗小孩去抓海鸥回来，打算卖出去赚一笔。机灵的海鸥（不懂为什么心灵感应到小孩这一次的动机有别）于是便只在空中盘旋，不下来和小孩玩，小孩很失望地回家，然后从此海鸥就没有和小孩玩了。

如果现实中人也像寓言中的海鸥就好了，随其所好任意结识朋友，耍乐欢笑；然后在罪恶或灾难来临之前靠神来的智慧避开。这样的话，他就不需要在与陌生人交往的过程中带有戒备，也不会害怕因为疏忽而陷自己于危险，也不会因为愚蠢而给罪恶机会张牙舞爪。这样的世界，就会趋向更美好了。

周末

难得的周末即将要结束咯，等待着的又是星期一的工作天。老实说实习剩下的期间也不多，只有六个星期。很快就要交IA report，但心里老是很不乐意地写，无聊的废话我喜欢写，但略带技术的我却很厌烦写，真是矛盾。

这个周末，打了一次壁球，看了一场球赛，写了两篇垃圾文章，寄了四张明信片，回了一些email，看了一些小说和物理，就这样结束咯。虽然我做事都是靠易消的劲，但好像很喜欢一心多用，是典型的花心么~

Rubbish Mix

Just a rubbish mix or sum up of this week basically.

IC Spider and Heat Blower

After I came up with the almost-complete schematics, I need to put all the spiders (ICs) back to the PCB. And again, I proved myself to be an absolute idiot by failing to put the biggest spider with 28 knee-down legs. Stupid surface mount technology, I cursed. Struggling in between the incapability of putting it back and the must of putting it back, I ended up blowing the PCB again and again until the surfaces turned black, the pads dropped, the spider' legs broke - the perfect indication of OVERCOOK. Aih....I just couldn't be more constructive, could I? Or perhaps that time I was too hungry and mindless?

So, again I had to dig up my courage to tell my super kind-hearted small boss of this disaster. It wasn't a good feeling after all. If I were him, I must be wondering am I utilizing his kindness as incentive to breed errors? And luckily, he's still the same kind person who just acknowledged my mistake and didn't say anything further. Now I must let myself regret of spoiling his private board, that badly. Sigh~

Electronic engineer and electronic hobbyist

I was puzzled. Capacitor blocks DC current, but then why we still use DC to charge capacitor arr? Without using my logic, straigh away I seeked help from Google by typing: "Capacitor blocks DC". To my astonishment, the first link in wiki provided the answer of my question. Alas, I forgot the step input and the charging characteristic of capacitor. It's after capacitor same voltage as source then it blocks current when there is no more change in voltage. The culprit: formula of capacitance impedance whereby if you treat DC = AC with 0 frequency, (which is not really true...) you would get infinite impedances and current wouldn't flow at all. And I neglected the formula is based purely on i) sinusoid ii) ac steady state condition iii) dc steady state condition.

I think I always have difficulty in understanding capacitor, transistor, op-amp and bla bla bla. I still remembered last time when high school teacher first taught op-amp, I was really puzzled how come a device that draws no current can amplify signal? How fake is it? Doesn't it contradicts with the Kirchoff Law of Current? Only till 2nd year in university I realized that the op-amp is powered up by two other pins, and the "no current go in thing" is just ideal op-amp characteristic, that it's because of the complex circuit inside designed purposely to make this characteristic.

If I didn't understand that time, why didn't I ask my teacher? Perhaps I was too stupid not to ask question. Why am I so adamant. still?

Hence I went to read on some other misconceptions of electronics, and I suddenly found myself back to those old school times, when I feel satisfied and happy after getting know the "truth" and understand it. That's when I thought I was fond of understanding physics, just pure sciences at the basic level. I think I am too easy to be satisfied and lack the drive to further my understanding deeper and deeper. Yet I thought myself are keen in physics, and often I proclaims so. Doesn't it just seem contradicting?

As compared to those electronic hobbyists, who really take up the profession because of their interests, I feel very ashamed of myself. Ya, I would get a electronic engineer sooner or later, second upper class at least unless I encounter misfortune; but how much more electronic stuff I know than those hobbyists? Nothing at all. Practically I am unworthy to be compared to them. And is it too late to turn myself to be electronic hobbyist? Nope. But is that what I really want? I need to find more fun in it, to ignite the turn.

Language

I would never thought that I could write so long in English. And yes, I am writing in English at present more and more because for the really first time in my life I could express my ideas that well in English. Though there are still many grammatical erros, but I don't care. I just want to immense myself in the joy of commanding English - the language I once hated most, I once feared most throughout my primary and lower secondary school times.

But if you ask me go back to those days, and write an essay given a topic, I would still stuck. Because that's not really what I want to say. It's like forcing me to vomit out words by words, sentences by sentences, without any true feeling inside. So I starts to wonder, does these essays practice really help a student to learn how to write? Without much exposure and enlightment, what's there so many feelings and thoughts to be put in lines?

Though I was ashamed of extremely weak in English that time, I always against my parents' will of persuading me to take up tuition or express class in holidays. I boasted that I would excel in English if I feel myself want to, without help from others; and if you forced me to go study while I didn't like it, I wouldn't improve either. Very arrogant indeed. Where did my pride came from arr? So poor yet so boastful? So funny, :)

劲

越来越觉得自己做事其实是靠一股劲，而不是那么理智的。一旦劲消了就很难再勉强做下去，只有过了一段期间后，等劲再起时再冲刺。学期刚开始不久很有热诚地去学韩文，学不久后劲消了，然后又冒起热城去看小说。正如之前我突然抛下这里，然后突然又想回来这里，我觉得自己越来越难预测了。唯一可以肯定的是，再过一段期间，我又会重新埋头在各本韩文的自学书中，惟不知这段期间是多长。

我就像是一阵来去无踪的风，兴起时激昂地绕着风眼旋转，劲消时冷漠地化为尘埃停滞。这种热冷骤变，差距是否有点太过呢？

正邪好坏

霆辉突然间收到学弟的电话，原来他们进了辩论决赛需要帮助。老实说，在过了这么久之后，在没有任何预测下，获知他们进了决赛蛮令我们惊讶！立场有点不讨好：正不能胜邪，或许正因为如此才突然间想到找我们吧。尽管大家都有点忙，心理可能也有点逃避，但从来没有怀疑过必须给与帮助，毕竟这是我们曾经长期苦心经营的活动，于是二话不说彼此就投入了讨论和思考，尽量抽一点时间为他们设立架构，删改稿件。

据说他们在决赛的表现压过对方，但以差一票栽在裁判的手上。似乎裁判认为我们没有誓死捍卫邪恶力量，没有以身作则宣告自己道德破产邪恶至极，所以觉得他们不够绝，或者说立论错误。忍不住地叹息，这不是先入为主么？如果裁判一定要以自己对破题的见解强加于双方身上，不以场上的争锋交接来判定胜负的话，倒不如去看傀儡表演好了。即便我们采用他们的立场，他们也一定又会另有意见，譬如世界如果真的如此邪恶，为什么世界末日还没到来等等……说白一些，就是裁判在内心和辩论员辩论去了，而不是看对方是否有作出相应的反驳。这简直是狗屁不通，论题如果没有矛盾就不会被拿出讨论啦。

尽管如此，还是很庆幸听到他们进到了决赛，并且打出了不错的表现。胜负不是一切，从来裁判就未必一定懂得什么是辩论，懂得怎样去欣赏辩论。听说之前居然还有裁判说他们自由辩轮流站起来有点机械化，真是愚昧之极。但以后前景依然暗淡，辩论队人数一如往常人丁单薄，或许辩论在这个电脑虚拟世界早已成为一门过时的活动。而且联系也似乎出了问题，虽然说我们都身在远处，也早已退隐不管，不会主动去过问，但依旧欢迎求助。

回想起来，有时自己也是搞不懂，七年的辩论，究竟带来什么坏处？好处比较显而易见，但坏处很难去整理。或许就是过程中见证太多的人事纠纷并且和曾经一度尊敬的老师对抗成仇人？哈哈，事实上，涉及辩论之后究竟比在涉及辩论之前，人变得更好一些还是更坏一些，人生得到更多还是失去更多……有时，我会去怀疑。诚然，这种怀疑的精神也是从辩论这培养回来的习惯，哈哈……

Culture & Mentality

Culture

A friend from Hong Kong came few days ago and yesterday I "sort of" brought her around. I wondered is that call "bringing around" because she had almost traveled all the tourist spots before yesterday, and most importantly, there aren't many distintive differences between Singapore and Hong Kong except culture. Hong Kong chinese, Singaporean chinese, Malaysian chinese, all with different cultures. Inside the same cultural group nobody share the exact identical personality. Environment, education, experience all play a part in shaping one's personality. If we can accept people are different, we can accept cultures are different. Things are meant to be unique to render the world colourful and harmoneous but not mono. But how often can a human, obsessed predominantly by his/her own way of thinking, be disposed to admire strength not found in ourselves but exposed in differences?

Mentality

I wonder should I blame it to the "culture" among ourselves. It's not "kia-su" mentality but rather form of teasing among friends, perhaps in companion with slight envy. And in the past I "should-be" among the major criminal that found guilty of teasing friends for hardworking. It's just too natural for me to tease a friend: Wah, so hardworking ar? Wah, so fast do tutorial ar? when I saw them studying. Sincerely I didn't mean to discourage them to study, it's just too natural as this kind of behaviour is circulating among ourselves. If people tease me like this I probably would reply with smile or another teasing, and continue to study. But only after recent strong protest from two strongmen I finally realized not everyone behaves like me and they really care about what others say and would feel embarass to continue study.

Aiyo, then I die lor...for becoming a culprit of discouraging others to study. Damn damn. Didn't mean for that but anyway... It's true even it doesn't not mean for discouraging, it's still far from encouraging to study. So, I have to change my behaviour from this moment on. Next time you won't see tease you on hardworking (on other things perhaps), but you will hear :"Oh begitu rajin bagus! Belajar pandai pandai la~" Does that sound more supportive? Haha~

Good Friday, Good Holiday

Tiredness & Sleep

I thought I am actually getting on the right track of completely used to working life, with time adjusted to be most productive in all areas. Sleep at about 12.00am, alarm ring at 6.30am and off, wake up at 6.40am, take bus, sleep in mrt, and finally reach company in the range of 5-15 minutes late. Surely it's not enough sleep for a person who need at least 8 hours of sleeping time. Though physically tired but mentally still fresh to do work. Just too bad last Friday I fell asleep on the chair in front of the computer while I was reading some application notes. And my nice team leader told me on Monday: Hey! Your boss caught you sleeping during work...Are you ok? Recently what makes you feel that tired? TERRIFIED. Fear overrun me. It was just like found guilty of doing something bad which you don't really realize. How come I don't know that he know I fell asleep? Finally I have to try to tackle the circuit design given by big boss, which I was felt too hard and lazy to do before. If not I will die, I know that. Then I put in some effort, went to discuss with him and said sorry. The truth is that he didn't see that, other manager complained about me. Hoo....WORST SCENARIO! No wonder he didn't wake me up and scold me. But the imej I left in his mind couldn't be worst. And I felt I have also betrayed the good will of my nice team leader, by putitng him into a position of not taking good care of me and giving me appropriate work. Just worst repay he could get for being nice to me. I start to feel that I would have a tougher environment and higher pressure to live and breathe.

FYP

After all the past worries, finally I got a fyp project and settled down. Will be working on dc-dc converter with cher huat together, and eddie also under the same prof. I would expect a very tough life ahead but hope we can get through it succesfully and colorfully. I don't really have a particular interest in that project. I feel the same for all analog signal design project. As long as I could learn a lot of useful things out of it, I would be satisfied because it proves that I would have overcame fear of incompetence and lack of ability. Sometimes I don't really understand where my grades come from, because only through recent practical exposures I REALIZE what is EE. V, I, R, C are there to let you control to achieve what you want. V is potential difference --> ground have to be always connected, Signal = ?, Noise = ?, finally know how to use oscilloscope, dmm; finally start to believe transistor's existence and etc. I think I am very slow to REALIZE thigns especially in learning, like I only REALIZE the real existence of trigonometri in F5 although sin-cos was taught in F3, REALIZE real existence of matrix and integration = sum of small parts last year when I was using MATLAB although it were long taught in Maths since secondary high school. I understand thing just for the sake of understanding, so am I actually smart or dumb?

Work & Future

Guess all of us that are about this age has already started to imagine what would be their future live as the nostalgic university life is going to end soon. 1 years+ of busy work ahead is no longer than short period of travels. It's time to dig out my heart and see what words are stored inside. INTEREST? WORK? MONEY? The boundaries between each are blurring and couldn't be differentiated as clearly as I wish. Crystal clear live objective is somewhere outside the known charts. I had a very long and happy conversation with my colleague, a middle-aged Sarawak guy who is currently PR. He went through many more hurdles than I had, and we had discussed on some issues. He shared his experiences to me. When you were first graduated you would think that field is of your zeal, you would definitely devote your energy and spirits into it tirelessly. And you persisted for few years. After that things started to change. What's still keep you to work eventually would only be one thing: MONEY $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. Though I tried to argue that even you may lost your ultimate interest, you couldn't hate that work. I don't believe one could continue doing something that he/she actually hates it, just like one couldn't live with someone that he/she hates to live with, not even one second. And he agreed.

Had he lost his soul by condemning himself to have only money in his eyes like those figures that are portrayed in comics? Certainly no. He didn't have such a thought before he graduated. He went through more stages of life and he changed. It has led me to rush into such conclusion: it's not normal for a person who haven't graduated only emphasizes on $$, while it's not normal for a person after so many years of life don't emphasize on $$. Before I reach that stage, I wouldn't be certain that I will still be same as now. No way I could decide. Ya, it's true that from now on we should do everything by following our heart. But human is just so complex and easy to change. So it boils down to the ultimate basic question: Is what you choose now really of your interest? How sure are you? By repeating this question and forcing myself to answer would drive myself mad, hence I rather choose not to decide. No point to decide if I know there's not possible to decide, at this point of time. By reading the newspapers, you could find so many life stories of persons finally figure out what he/she want, after so years of life, after exposures to different areas, after successfully at least make livings independently. What I could do is to continuously search and observe.

Money

When you have money your hand starts to feel itchy, struggling to hold it and wish to persuade your heart to buy "utility" for yourself. Materialistic - Consumerism - Present modern world. I felt so strange that, I starts to deviant away from my normal self: from being a super stingy person (to buy things for myself) to someone who no longer really cares about spending. Because I am on IA and earning some money. I know I am heading into a dead end and I should stop and pull myself back. But that just explains how strong is the influence of real business world and how true is the greed of inner heart. Sometimes I feel lost in between holding and spending $$ on something. What's the true utility that I had bought? Do I purposely make myself feel blue and go buy something to cheat myself some happiness? And of the existing cheating and "strategy-driven" business environment, what thing you get is true? Ribena without Vitamin C, Haagen-Dazs== America company (smart foreign branding or foreign fancy psychological trap?), how many hard facts that I would still need to swallow to feel the virtualness of this world? Would you rather be ignorant but innocently happy, or informative but struggles to happy?

And perhaps, of the most disastrous thing what a man could do with $$ --> Buy sexual pleasure. I went with friends to eat chilli crabs in Geylang, where we passed by the red-light zone. It has been my second time to Geylang since 1st year FOC, and it's my second time to see prostitutes. I am not a hypocrite to say I am as pure as Monk and have a "clean" harddisk. But if sex is something pleasant in life to be enjoyed, I don't see a point of going for prostitute. The environment is so disgusting and full of dark elements: cigarettes, alcohols, dirtyness, underground... What are you paying? It's like pay to get yourself raped. Wonderfully stupid. But am I too innocent or what? Maybe only few % of guy of my age go, but certainly much much higher % of guy of middle-aged or old man go... And why? Is that really that enjoyable...I don't see the point. Really.

Emotion

Adults always wish to go back to their worryless childhood time, but all innocent childs grow up to adults with full range of human emotions. Is that because we started to think things in more perspectives? Is that because we get loaded with different tasks and relationships? Is that because we starts to feel what real life is? A child would never know why an adult would change his mood just for something minor in his/her eyes, an adult know what, why and how but just couldn't control it. Ups and downs, everyday. Sometimes I tend to have more worries when I am surrounded by happiness, because I know by the time I lost it, I would feel lost also deep into the heart. Sometimes I tend to smile for small things when I am not in a good mood, because I know I need it to avoid collapse. Is this balancing fun? No idea.

Today is actually holiday. Should I say I write this because I want to or because I am bored and got nothing else better to do? Perhaps writing too much would makes myself even more complex. To avoid being eaten up by pride, I shall need to read on more things to counter balance it. Why can't life be a bit more simpler? Yawn~

Reason for passion of life

Went for a little walk in new Ang Mo Kio hub, a interchange-business hub, similar or second to Toa Payoh interchange. When I wandered in Breadtalk I suddenly saw a familiar face. Ya, the manager. How come he's here? I thought he should be in Jurong Point's branch.

I didn't know him at all actually, neither do he know me. It was just a minor incident that led me remembered him. That was one early morning, when I still in transition period of IA life, I went to search for breakfast in JP, hoping that Breadtalk had opened. The shop wasn't opened, and I stopped to look inside from far since it was lighted on. He was busy dazzling around to arrange breads. A worker had dropped a bread and he immediated turned red and scolded her very badly. I didn't make any bad assumption of him but instead I was wondering why did he need to be so nervous and pacey?

This time I bought 2 breads, and he was in the counter there to put it into plastic bags. With thunderous speed, he put in the first. With the same speed, he dropped the second. And he was quick to say to me: I would get another one for you. Well, that's fine. Doesn't really matter to me. But it sparked off my thoughts. Why do he need to be so nervous? From my one-sided assumption, he's too eager to manage his shops in perfect arrangement, perfect flow, and leave customer a good image. I have to say that he's indeed a very seroius worker. But is he a good manager? If I linked the two incidents together, it may not suggest so. I think he's too engrossed into manage "things" instead of "humans". Everyone make errors. It would leave me a very good image if he turn humoureous when he dropped the bread, if he kindly remind his worker not to make silly mistake.

Since Breadtalk is not opened so early, now I usually would buy a bun in 24 hours shop near AMK interchange for breakfast. The two female workers are fine, but I had never see them smile when they are selling breakfast. They look serious in getting their maximum sales of breakfast. I could understand it's hard to deal with flowing mass demand, but... Just on the opposite site, there are always 3 person who give away the free "my-paper", and one of them always wear on smiley face. Opposite. Just opposite. It's true everyone has to deal with his/her own stiffing constraints, but it could be done in different ways. It's not to say that I don't like the bun seller, but if there is another shop just besides, employ the happy distributor and selling the same thing, I wouldn't never return back to the original one to buy. Not even pity would drive me to do so. For service sectors, perhaps the most precious value addition is the smile and happiness, which is costless but also priceless.

Perhaps I am too cruel, because I myself feel tired easily too, and always find myself in the struggle of generating happiness. The passion for life is not necessarily provided by happiness, for different people they have different reasons. It could be anger, hatred, frustration, ego, arrogance, greed, pride, competition and blah blah blah. As long as it drives you to live, it counts.

So why do I live for? Perhaps I live to keep my eyes open, as wide as I can, as clear as I can.

Blue, Shock & Fear

Blue is Monday's Blue. Even I slept for about 8 hours, which is already 1 hour + more than daily sleeping hours, I still didn't feel refrehsed at Monday. I was like just dragging my body to company at the morning, and dragging it back at the evening...snoozing and swinging my head numerous times in the company. I wasn't working. You could well argue that if your have high spirit, this is just excuse. But certainly I could feel the Monday's Blue symptom. It wasn't that I didn't try to wake myself up but the spirit was well clouded by tiredness, physically and mentally.

 

      Shock is Electric's Shock. This time is seriously the worst case - shocked by stupid high voltage 4.4kV EFO box. Assume my finger skin's resistance is really about 1M Ohm which is measured using dmm, then there was about 4.4mA current grounded through me. Darn! The feeling of letting current run through heart wasn't good to be experienced at ALL! My hand simply just shocked off the connection and my heart was "peaceful" for 1 second. Darn! My carelessness has once again emerged and become my hardest enemy to fight against. I couldn't prevent all the previous lighter shocks (ESD shocks, sparks shocks, explodes of big capacitors) which weren't really my faults, but this time I only have myself to be blamed for. Why was I too engrossed to out figure what's wrong with the box after I changed some setting, WITHOUT TURNING THE POWER OFF? The same over-concentration had caused me one laptop before, and now I allow it to happened again. Sigh! Darn! No next time! My supervisor said it just take few mA to kill, and I am still so mindless? (I had checked that few mA may not enough to kill, but enough to cause pain) Darn! Helpless cunt...

 

      Fear is Inferiority's Fear. Time and again my heart has been troubled by this same quesiton: am I able to take on electronics / IC design? Facing all the top scholars and given my special extra workload of 3rd year subjects, I will be fighting the utmost challenge in my u-life. I have nothing against top guns, I know some of them as my friends and I really respect their talents, hardwork or whatever; but to only compete to them is another question. I know with passion and hardworking, nothing is impossible. But I for certain is not passionate enough to confirm that this is my final interest, and I will not go all out to submerge myself in sea of books, because of my own characteristics. I am just too greedy, wish to live in such a way that I am still able to take care of other things. I would feel myself too pity if I really need to be forced to focus on one thing. Ya, the so-called conventional wisdom tells you that nothing could be achieved without focus and sacrifice, but I am just too reluctant to follow it. I am a child that never grow up, adamant and persistent as ever. Ya, it's true fear and also true egoism. Will I turn the fear into surge of spirit before it overrun me? Time will tell.

 

       Besides these, today is a precious day that I could finally see both sun rise and sun set of a day after a long period. And, it's also Chak Hon's birthday. Enthusiasticsally yet strugglingly, patiently yet tiresome, I had pass a day.

Fairness

A word just struck my mind, "Fairness". I suddenly realized how important this essense is to everyone, that it links with the inner spirit of everyone. The presence or the lack of it would trigger perhaps the strongest emotion from anyone, be it in any relationship between humans: parents-childs, teachers-students, employers-employee, bilateral friendship or love. Perhaps in all the spiritual needs, fairness is the most longed for. In any circumstances, what you would want is a fair chance to play your part, to prove yourselves.

It's fairness that serves as the ultimate factor who drives Chinese malaysians to convert to Singaporeans, it's fairness that a company would eventually keep or lost its employees, it's fairness that explode many person's hatred towards US. The lack of fairness would create the non-diminshing, non-degradable hatred that a person would carry for the rest of his/her life.

Fate or luck is unfair, because it's born of randomness. Though everyone have to accept this "injustice", it's just dubious that anyone could proclaim that himself/herself don't need fairness in other aspects.

But then here comes the paradox. A person who always demands for fairness most probably would eventually turn into a person that could only see his/her fairness, ignoring others' need.

Fairness is true fairness if there is a balanced give of it to others and take of it from others. Be it, or unfair at all.

But, how fair can a person be? The world is never perfectly balanced, neither is life.

Decision of Life

I had decided to quit blogging not long ago. I wish I won't come back here forever. For all the reasons that lead me to stop writing blog, the most of it is because I believe I should start to value happiness more the sadness. And I believe myself to be able to do so, without this virtual dumping ground of sadness. But today is just one of the day that I couldn't sleep because I have too many decisions to be make, too many doubts need to be cleared. There is no other way better than using my hands and words to calm myself down and think logically.

Which final year specialization should I go? Electronics or IC design? Why is there a need for this separation since these two closely-related options are only different in one subject? Why they want to seperate FYP projects according to option? I am really puzzled. How am I going to determine I am interested more in understanding the internal design, or in designing the outer architecture using internal stuff? How do I know which part am I more talented in before I really go into it?

But no matter what would be my final choice, I am going to take a difficult path. The fact that most of the top international scholars cram into these two specializations do worry me a lot. Am I able to survive? Though I am a scholar, I don't really live up to expectation. I am not deanlist, I don't get Ureka, my theoritical understanding power is not that high, my practical skills are like shit, and I am not a very quick learner in EEE. I could already imagine the ultimate pressure for being fell behind the lectures, not doing well in CAs, and the cumulating stress developed by the competitive environment. Ya, I am so pessimistic. Mentality wise I am already a loser even before the battle starts. I can comfort myself that once I survive, I could be among the fittest...but the true fear still prevails.

Dr.Goh said you have to accept yourselves, your own level if you had tried your best. It's true. But am I able to accept it? It goes down to who I am eventually. I had a thought to ask Dr.Goh about her FYP projects, but since I know that she was grabbed by some PRC scholars I dare not to ask already. I know I am complex. I was thinking that if I am so good then perhaps she would have try to hint me about FYP projects. What a super ego and self-centred student that hope the prof would do this? What's wrong with me to just ask for projects? I am strangely adamant. Though she's the only good prof I know, I don't really like to ask her for help. Perhaps I am hoping to get a super tough environment, and prove myself there. I know one day I will fall because I am too unwilling to seek for others' help on big occasions.

But straight after this, I have to decide what should I do after graduation? What do I want to achieve? What's my life goal? For the 23 years that I had lived, I had never make a big decision logically or rationally. I learnt chinese chess just because my father taught me and I wanted to play with him. I joined debate team just because soul mates think I was more than capable to succeed in it. I come to NTU just because I got scholarship. I applied scholarship just because I followed my friends to submit forms. I came to Singapore earlier just because Ah Goh wanted to come here earlier to see the environment. I went INSTEP exchange just because Kok Heng felt very enthusiastic to go and had succeded to influece me. For many things in life, I am rather passive and not informative. Not that I need to rely on others to make decision, I still make every decision on my own and I will bear responsibility for my decision, but I won't take any initiative to change my life. If it comes then let it be, if it don't then it's ok since I am not awared of it.

But now I have to force myself to answer this question: for what reason am I living on this planet? If I am going to live for myself, not for others, what actually do I want to achieve? For a very long period I didn't really think it's important for me to consider myself. I values any relationship with others, but I don't really values myself that much.

I didn't go any way wrong along the route and I am actually in a quite good and bright situation, but sometimes I just feel I didn't had enough guidance (not rules) when I was growing up. I was trained to hide my feelings because parents were too busy with business and somehow the age gap of 5 years between me and elder sister was a bit big. I was a very good and hardworking student in school, because I know if I get into troubles, my parents won't have the time to tackle it. It would be a additional burden for them who were already too busy. Whenever I missed a school bus, I wouldn't dare to call to office to ask for transport, I walked home. Giving them more trouble would equals to bring myself problem as well. I have been used to rely only on myself along the long route of studies, which was lonely. I couldn't afford to fail any subject, because it would mean dead end quarrel for my parents, and my parents with sister. But even I got good results or good achievements, I seldom receive compliments or recognition. They were too busy. My eager to prove to them that I was very capable usually went unnoticed. Ya they helped me hang the certificates on the wall, but they didn't really remember it. One time when my mother praised my nephew who was standard 5 for being able to cook rice, I straight away replied didn't you know that I even know how to cook simple dishes when I was in standard 5? Haha, unnoticed...again.
And well, have to laugh again.

They do love me very much, they provided me with many materials and freedom that I need; but I just lack the spiritual soil to grow a strong mentality - lack of courage and initiative to change my life. I am tolerant enough to endure what fates bring to me but I am not courageous enough to challenges uncertainty. I wouldn't like to shape myself to be pity when in fact I am not. Just want to be sincere and reflective to myself, more of my evil side. So now this's my problem, how am I going to do? Where's my target to drive me on? I just wish I could have a simple and happy life for the rest of my life...but how am I going to achieve that?

Worries aside, at this point of time, I am actually quite happy with what I have now. Though my not-informative weakness has once again led me into the wrong field in industrial attachment (Power electronics is not under electronics, it's under power), I must say I got very good colleagues, supervisors and working environment. It's rather enjoyable experience (ya, not really meaningful but enjoyable), as compared to the fear I had before entering the company. And because of my luck (rather than capabilities) I had helped my supervisor to obtain few testing results that were long needed before. Not a bad situation. I must feel grateful to this luck.

And my watch, given by my sister, which the digital clock has stopped for few months, started to move again out of a sudden. Perhaps electronics is as unpredictable as human. It just gives you surprise. And this is one of the biggest surprise in my life. Because no matter how, I values this watch, which is given my sister.

Today is 21st of March, and I am imsonia-ing. Today is also birthday of my best friend - ah goh. But too bad he was too smart to sms me that please don't celebrate for him as he is too busy. Strategically he win. Though I feel a bit sorry to see friend's birthday is not celebrated, but I just have to accept what he needs. Different people, comes from different families with different growing background, have different thoughts and personality. Anyway, Happy 23th birthday to you!

旅程

感觉有点像，回到了First Year三个人去Can B温习功课，却聊天多过读书的那种情况、那种心情。现在看回去，不知不觉，就这样了……

日前，遇到了Hall 10仅仅认识的几个人，First Year的Hall FOC和两年的象棋经验，不知不觉，就这样了……

日前，收到了辩论队经理桢琦送回在队里的剩余的存款，两年的大学辩论生活，我就这样选择了不辞而别。辩论七年之痒，不知不觉，就这样了……

日前，有了一次难得的DIP Reunion Gathering，看着桌上Choy Kien特意做的相架里的照片，五个星期的Project经验，不知不觉，就这样了……

昨天，收到了交换留学时认识到的德国朋友写来的信，突然之间有冲动想飞过去……在香港那段曾有的梦，看回去，不知不觉，就这样了……     

再细微的点滴，只要曾跌落在心湖，就会被永远储藏。每份感觉一旦被勾起，就会从朦胧至清晰地重回脑海。但，那些细腻的感觉从来都非笔墨所能形容。总是缅怀过去，是我不可救药的弱点，但我总是坚信，每个人都是从每步的过去中走过来的。而理性，唯一能够做的，就是把即将化为过去的现在过得有意义、有意思一点，一旦化为过去，一切都将会只是情感的重温了……

现在，又有另外三个人开始了另一段旅程；若干年后看回去，也会觉得不知不觉，就这样了……

IA（一）

IA的生活，从开始的早睡早起到逐渐迟睡早起，只为在总共长达三个小时多的车程里做比观察群众和胡思乱想更有意义的活动：争取睡眠。战战兢兢的Office noob在紧张的工作环境下还是找到了些许游离的空间：Milo，Cloud 9以及第二师傅：来自poly的big brother。幸运地用Matlab的Simulation 度过了Sensitivity Analysis的难关，老板说明天要弄cable，哦，算是比较轻松，今天心情就可以晴朗一点。受big brother的影响，把IA的目标锁定在A，因为这比考试更有说服力。怎样拿A?我想至少要让老板留下一点印象，每天都完成一点东西，不是太过愚蠢的问题都可以去问，并且在汇报时尝试说一些比较technical的东西，错也没关系，让他觉得这人还有点能力、见解和吸收的能耐，久而久之就算他不觉得你能干也不会觉得你愚蠢。我想这应该不算工于心计，我有蛮干的韧力，但还需要一点巧思。我可不想沦为big brother口中所说那位朋友这样，每天OT还拿了B……，白干。当然，如果碰到一位总是忙碌，睬你都没有空的sup，但就只好另找门路了。

 

      朝六出晚七回，其实还并不太难适应，反正中途肯定会不时打瞌一下……反倒是回到南大后，对于时间的快速溜走感到不适应。回到来想开开工研究一下却总是没心思，想修修英文却很快疲累，更别谈提早学习下学期的课了。随便吃个饭、聊聊天、冲个凉、上上网，偶尔跑跑步，不觉得有做了什么就这样到了这个时候。

 

      不过现在也总算可以安定下来了，以后几个月的生活大致上就是这样，若有什么意外那算是惊奇，那像还未IA前脑中充满对未知的揣测？爸妈说看我在独自在外生活了两年多也仍旧好好的感到很欣慰，但我仍感到自己有时像随风漂浮无处落根的蒲公英。开始在怀疑是否是因为少了宗教的信仰，但很快就打消了把理智情感的自主权寄托于他人的想法。看回去，已走了不少路的我依旧觉得自己像个长不大的小孩，总是在徒羡别人的长大、成熟。相较之下，自己仍旧幼稚。好朋友说看了我的文章后觉得自己在其他方面落后了很多，我说那是彼此不同生活的代价。或许只能说：我们是同一类型的人，尽管从未停下过脚步，但自信从来没有满溢过，而且总是倾向为自己挂上问号……快乐就像雨季时的阳光，偶尔出现但总是短暂。

 

      唯一能够坚持的，就是在未到终点前，持续地学习……